On Demand But Not In Demand

Insane clown posse

Out_of_the_Dark

Out of the Dark (1989, 89 minutes)

Comcast's description:

If you're into beautiful young girls who like to talk filthy, this film is for you. Especially if you like phone sex. And clown masks. And crazy, psychotic stalkers. And murder. Yep. If that's what your[sic] into, this film is definitely for you!

So I really don't think that whoever made this movie has ever actually seen phone sex operators in real life, because they definitely don't look like girls pretty/slutty/pretty slutty enough to be cast in a sexy thriller. Anyway, so this creepy cancerman calls the phone sex line using his rotary phone while listening to TimeLife's Ultimate Love Song collection on his choice of either four records or three cassettes. Joanne picks up the phone and does her phone sex things and then he cuts his nipple with a knife and ewww and then the camera pans over his collection of bondage porn and a glossy of Joanne that she sent him because yeah, that's a really great and safe idea and then he hangs up. I suspect that that's the last we'll be hearing from this perv.

Joanne is walking her dog at night alone in a desolate area near the water, once again proving what excellent personal choices she makes. That rat dog ain't gonna protect you, honey. She's calling out for her dog because she's lost him, but then a man in a clown mask hands him to her. Instead of running away from a man wearing a clown mask at night in a desolate area, she pantomimes with him. They're pretending to play baseball. How fun! But you know what's even more fun? Not being murdered at night in a desolate area by a man in a clown mask! I guess Joanne and I have different definitions of fun. Sadly, she'll never know how much fun it is not being murdered at night in a desolate area by a man in a clown mask because she is murdered at night in a desolate area by a man in a clown mask, with the baseball bat they were just pantomiming with. 

The next morning, a peeping tom, who we later find out is named Dennis, is taking photos of Kristy, one of the phone sex operators, and her boyfriend Kevin Photog, a photographer. That's the entire scene.

That same morning, the cops find Joanne's body. The grizzled, veteran cop quips, "Another gritty crime strikes the City of Angels." Why does every cop in LA have an NYC accent? Is this what's going to happen with the new Law and Order in LA? The cops show up at Kevin Photog's loft - where else would a creative-type live? - while he is shooting topless headshots of Barbara Brown Hair, one of the other phone sex workers. Like my middle school, Kevin Photog owns a smoke machine; there's no word on if he also owns a laser disc player. I wonder if he turns on the smoke machine, pumps up Another Night, and does the cabbage patch. The po-po inform Kevin Photog of Joanne's murder and that his business card was in her pocket, like that episode of The West Wing that makes me cry. Toby cares. Poor Mrs. Landingham.

All the gals at the phone sex place find out about Joanne's murder and they're all upset. There are so many sluts and acid wash in this scene it's like an American Apparel ad, but with more clothing. We meet more of the phone sex girls - New Girl, Asian Girl, Black Girl, Ruth the boss (Yo, Angela!) - as well as Late Night Dave, the accountant down the hall who wears a Late Night with David Letterman sweatshirt and is an all-around creepster, kind of like David Letterman himself. New Girl is freaked out and doesn't want to walk home by herself, so she asks Barbara Brown Hair for a ride home on her scooter. Black Girl wisecracks that she'll probably be safer by herself than on Barbara Brown Hair's janky scooter. 

So Barbara Brown Hair and New Girl are riding home and Clown Mask is following them in a car, but they don't notice. Barbara Brown Hair drops New Girl off at her apartment and then heads home herself. Clown Mask continues to follow her and it starts raining. She spots him because he's following her super closely, which leads me to believe our killer is not a cop or private detective or else he's a really bad, broke-ass cop or private detective. She signals to him to go around her, jerk, but he decides the best course of action is to hit her with his car, which throws her over a parked car and onto a front yard. A good Samaritan comes out from the house to check on the sound and then Clown Mask bashes him in the head with a shovel, but not just like hits him with it, like puts it through his skull sideways. I don't think that's physically possible, but whatever. Then he chokes Barbara Brown Hair with a garden hose and finishes her off with the line, "Don't call me, I'll call you." Get it? She's a phone sex operator.

The cops question Kevin Photog again, this time regarding Barbara Brown Hair's murder. Kristy says that they were together the whole night, but after the cops leave, we find out she was lying for him. Later that day, the cops find out that Kevin Photog has a prior conviction for assaulting his then underage girlfriend. The cops tell Kristy about this and she is understandably pissed. But then he tells her he loves her and they make up and who knew a phone sex place could be so romantic? And not just jizz-stained romantic, like actual romantic. But then Dennis, the peeping tom, busts in the room before they can get to the jizz-stained romance and drunkenly attacks Kevin Photog. Dennis used to be the go-to photographer for the phone sex - oh, my apologies - the phone fantasy workers and he's mad that Kevin has taken his away his business. 

The brain trust known as Kristy and Kevin Photog decide to talk to the wife of the man who was murdered to see if she saw anything so they can clear Kevin Photog's name. So they talk to her and she seems pretty happy for someone whose husband was just murdered via shovel through the skull. She tells them she didn't see much, but then they find a piece of car side mirror in the grass and figure it must belong to the killer. How did the cops miss this good size chunk of mirror? And wouldn't the scene still be blocked off after like a day? Whatever, Hollyweird. 

So the grizzled, veteran cop, who is a really bad actor, comes up with a plan to trap the murderer by having the calls rerouted to New Girl's - who volunteered to do this - apartment and she will try to get the murderer to come to the phone sex office where the cops will be waiting. Ruth doesn't like the sound of it, but New Girl insists on risking her life for people she only knew for a few days. After two days of rerouting the calls, the killer finally calls. He gives her some gross instructions regarding what to do to herself and then yells at her because he knows she's not actually doing them to herself. How does he know? Because he's there and he killed both cops and then he strangles her with her phone cord. Ironic! Nice job, fuck ups, which is also pretty much what Ruth says to grizzled, veteran cop when she finds out what happened.

Then there's this weird interlude where Ruth goes to see Dennis regarding Kevin Photog and Dennis being pissed at him. I think we're supposed to surmise that Dennis is Ruth's aforementioned ex-husband. Ruth says that Kevin Photog is a good photographer and has moved pass the smut, which Dennis has not. Who is Ruth to judge Dennis when she owns a phone sex business? 

So the brain trust has just now figured out that the mirror they found was a part of a side mirror, even though it had some of the "Objects in mirror closer than they appear" writing on it. Conveniently, they also find the car it belongs to: Late Night Dave's. They decide to break in to Late Night Dave's office because only these MENSA members would think of doing that instead of just telling the cops. They're on like a whole other level. Only not, because Kristy accidentally flicks on Late Night Dave's office light, which he sees from the street. So they search through his office and find his stash of bondage porn in his office closet, which he kind of deserves because why wouldn't he keep that shit at home? But they hear him get off the elevator, so Kristy goes into the hallway to prevent him from going into his office. She tries to sweet talk him, but he's not having it and goes into his office, but thankfully Kevin Photog is hiding. 

The brain trust decides that it is a good idea to stay at a motel for the night, so they stay at the sleaziest pay-by-the-hour motel they can find. They do love their jizz-stained romance, so this is perfect for them. And they add to the surely numerous jizz stains in their room and go at it as lace curtains add lovely shadows to their bodies. So this is where Miss Tyra got her idea for that photoshoot. 

Now we're seeing the film through the eyes of the killer. And what the killer really wants is a hooker who looks like Khloe Kardashian in a Tina Turner wig. I hate that I know how to spell Kardashian without having to look it up. I would hang out with phone sex operators and hookers over a Kardashian any day. So the killer and Khloe Kardashian are in a motel room and she's fixing herself up in the bathroom mirror because guys who go to street hookers really care about how the girl looks. Unless it's Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Pretty Woman made me really want to become a prostitute. It's so romantic! Actual romantic and jizz-stained romantic. Anyway, the killer hits her in the head with a whiskey bottle. The next day, the motel manager sees that there's water coming out from under the door, yet he doesn't see the giant puddle of blood he's standing in. So he goes in the room and finds her dead body. There's an awful lot of blood for somebody who was just hit in the head with a bottle. It looks like she was cut in half or something, just based on the amount of blood. 

So you'll never guess the motel they were staying at: the same one as the brain trust. Oh no! So the cops working on the phone sex murder case show up and find out that Kevin Photog is staying at the motel. The brain trust sneaks out of the bathroom window, but Kevin Photog goes back to his loft, where the cops are waiting for him. Maybe they're not such a brain trust after all. So they arrest Kevin Photog and interogate him in the same hallway where Morrissey declared that the more you ignore him, the closer he gets. He insists on his one phone call, so he calls Kristy and tells her to break in to Late Night Dave's to find evidence that will exonerate Kevin Photog. Wow, what a great boyfriend to put his girlfriend in danger like that. So Kristy breaks in to Late Night Dave's office again and accidentally turns on the light again and Late Night Dave sees this again. What an idiot. I support her being murdered now. Kristy doesn't know that Dave saw her turn the light on, so she's still searching through his closet. At one point during the movie - I can't remember when, which is why I'm just mentioning it now - Kristy received a call from the murderer saying that he cut off Joanne's boobs and filed them under N for "no tits." So Kristy goes into Late Night Dave's filing cabinet and finds Joanne's deboobitated boobs. And now my boobs hurt. Late Night Dave finds Kristy in his office and they begin to fight. She slaps him in the face and pushes him, then he punches her in the face. She runs down the hallway and down the stairs and he chases her, telling her he's sick of "all you bitches." He catches up to her at one point, when he begins choking her, but she escapes again. She runs out of the building and across the street and then he's in the middle of the street and is hit by a car. Drunk Dennis is lurking in the area as well. The next day, the newspaper headline informs us that Late Night Dave has died.

After all the recent craziness, the brain trust decides to take a vacay out in the country. As he's starting a fire in their cabin, she goes to his car to find a blanket, but that's not what she finds. Instead, she finds a clown mask! Plot twist! Why didn't he just get rid of the mask when everyone figured that Late Night Dave was the killer? I always feel so conflicted when attractive people commit crimes. It's like, on the one hand, they're a criminal, but on the other, they're attractive, so? I don't know. So we find out that Kevin Photog used to be Bobo Clown. Kevin/Bobo/K Bo says that he loves her and he wouldn't hurt her and she says she loves him too and wants him to get help. WTF? Ok, she's out of MENSA. But K Bo was setting her up, telling her she was dumb and that he's gonna kill her for being so dumb. To be fair, he was probably gonna kill her either way. Kristy goes to get the gun she had that K Bo gave her when she thought Late Night Dave was the killer, but K Bo has it. He tries to strangle her with a belt - why didn't he just shoot her? Of course, shooting someone is just so impersonal, maybe he wanted her to truly know how much he wanted to murder her. But she manages to get the gun and goes to call the grizzled, veteran cop, but she's told that he is on vacation. Then K Bo comes after her again and she shoots him like four times. But like Michael Myers and Stefano DiMera, K Bo isn't dead. So he tries to attack Kristy again, but then grizzled, veteran cop busts in and shoots K Bo twice with a rifle. Somehow this kills him, even though the four other bullets didn't. This movie couldn't just let the chick save herself, could it? So Kristy's like, "I thought you were on vacation?" and he's like, "I am now." <Carrie Bradshaw voiceover> But I have to wonder: how did Kevin Photog explain away his sliced up nipple to Kristy in the beginning of the movie? </Carrie Bradshaw voiceover>

I know why the caged bird sings. Spoiler alert: it's because of misogyny and violence against women

Caged Fury

Caged Fury (1990, 95 minutes)

Comcast's description:

Women in chains, a deviant warden and murderous guards...no wonder the cops claim Honeywell State Prison doesn't exist! Her only hope of being freed lies with a Harley-riding and a Combat Karate champ!

Before we even get into the movie, I would first like to address Comcast's grammar. I know that the choice to use a serial comma is a personal one, but I do give a fuck about an Oxford comma and I think the first sentence looks stupid without one. Secondly, who does "her" in "her only hope" even refer to? Thirdly, "a Harley-riding" what? They don't even complete that thought. Lastly, 100 percent of those sentences have an exclamation point. I think that's a little much. My corrections are in red:

Women in chains, a deviant warden, and a murderous guard...no wonder the cops claim Honeywell State Prison doesn't exist. Recent LA transplant Kat's only hope of being freed lies with a Harley-riding combat karate champ.

Now that that's out of the way, Caged Fury is one of the biggest shitpiles ever filmed in the history of the talkies. I figured it would be shitty and cheesy, but, seriously, whoever wrote this movie, whoever directed this movie, and anyone who legitimately enjoyed this movie have some seriously fucked up issues with women. And MGM, the actors, and the producers ought to be ashamed of themselves for having anything to do with this movie. And I'm including Erik Estrada in that. How did television's Ponch get wrapped up in all of this?

So this terrible movie starts with a lady inmate in white lacy lingerie because that's frequently what lady inmates wear? She escapes through a hole in the wall she dug behind a collage of scantily clad men. The Shawshank Redemption ripped off Caged Fury! (And that, Comcast, is how you should use an exclamation point.) Creepy guard sees that she's missing from her cell and he starts yelling at one of the other guards for not being at his post. They start to fight and then creepy guard slits the other guard's throat with a razor; not just a pink lady bic either, a full on, old-timey beard shaving razor. That's odd. Who carries around a razor? They eventually find the girl who tried to escape and she's killed too.

Now we're at home with a young lady named Kat who is preparing to move from Utah to LA to become an actress. This has Law & Order: Special Victims Unit written all over it. She currently lives with her dad, who does not want her to leave, and her sister, Tracy, who is wearing a really, really bad wig. I watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, so I know from bad wigs. And bad Whigs. Despite her dad's protestations, Kat takes off for LA. As she is driving west, another car is driving east with a young woman and a gross old guy. I can only assume she was hitchhiking and that's how these two hooked up. The guy driving thinks that because she has been crossing and uncrossing her legs that she wants to have sex with him. This guy totally busted our secret lady sex code. She doesn't because he is gross and old and a stranger, but he doesn't really care and he tries to force her into giving him a blow job. But how would that even work because she could just keep her mouth tightly shut? She ends up burning his dick with a car cigarette lighter and runs out of the car and into Kat's car. Kat tells her that she's going to LA and Rhonda wants to go with her.

They get to LA and Rhonda takes her to her friend Buck's apartment. He's a creepy "photographer" who is very excited to see Rhonda. Buck's also excited to see Kat, as he makes a Kat/pussy joke. Very clever this Buck is. Buck tells Kat that she can crash at his place if she needs somewhere to stay. Why does she not have a place to stay?! You don't just move to a city without having housing or temporary residence lined up. Buck also offers her some cool clothes to wear for going out that night. Why does he have extra ladies' clothing around his apartment and why are Rhonda and Kat not as skeeved out by this guy as I am? Caged Fury leaves a lot of questions unanswered, FYI.

They go to some kind of "rock" club with some kind of "punk" band playing and chicks "dancing" in bras and panties. This place can't decide if it wants to cater to punks, bikers, or Sunset Strip trash. Kat goes to call her dad from the payphone because calling one's parents is a fun way to spend an evening out. But this movie wants you to know that bitches can't just go 20 feet to make a call and expect to be safe, so some biker shoves her out behind the bar and a bunch of bikers try to gang rape her. But thankfully Erik Estrada, in a red mock turtleneck, and his friend are there to stop it. Then a whole bar fight breaks out and I'd imagine it would be really embarrassing for Erik Estrada's friend to get his ass kicked by a dude wearing zubaz pants, so luckily he doesn't. Where are Rhonda and Buck while all this is happening? In the bathroom boning. And the lights in the bathroom seem to be powered by their fucking because they keep flickering on and off until they're done, at which point the lights go completely out. 

Now, thankfully I've never been almost raped or gang raped, but I would imagine that if I were almost gang raped, I would not be flirting with Erik Estrada, or anyone for that matter, ten minutes later. But apparently Kat is much quicker at bouncing back from trauma than I because she gets a ride to Buck's place on the back of Erik Estrada's bike and they end up having sex. The same night she was almost gang raped! Gah! 

So the next day Rhonda and Kat go to an audition that Buck arranged for them. This scene makes me wonder why everyone in LA has a southern accent. So there are lots of slutty looking girls at the audition, but Rhonda and Kat are the best of the sluts there, apparently, so they get in to see the director right away. The director looks like a fat ass Gene Simmons and makes me glad I did not eat before watching this movie. Seriously, he may be the grossest dude in this gross dude filled movie. Spoke to soon, the producer is an old, horny I-talian stereotype who makes the kids on Jersey Shore (who I love dearly) look multi-dimensional. So there's total casting couch grossness and Kat seems to have become completely acclimated to this sort of lifestyle in the short 24 hours she's been in LA. Almost gang raped, fucking Erik Estrada, and an audition, maybe it hasn't been a short 24 hours. Anyway, Kat and Rhonda figure out that this is totally shady and they try to leave, but fat ass Gene Simmons (I was going to abbreviate that, but yeah...) and Greaseball Bolognese try to stop them and the cops are called and the girls arrested. 

And then they're on trial right away for being prostitution whores. This doesn't even make sense. Buck, fat ass Gene Simmons, and Greaseball Bolognese all testify that Rhonda and Kat propositioned them. And Kat's crop top that she thinks is somehow appropriate for court isn't doing anything to disprove this. The judge convicts them of being prostitution whores and sentences them to a minimum of three months and a maximum of two years. Why did they waive their right to a jury trial? And isn't prostitution something you kind of have to be caught doing in order to be convicted of it? I call kangaroo court.

Back in Utah, Tracy and Dad are worried about Kat because they haven't heard from her in three days. So Tracy decides that it would be a great idea for her to go to LA to find Kat. Yeah, this is going to end well. 

So Kat's in jail now with a bunch of other new inmates. Ok, I've seen lady prisoners before and none of them looked like these women. There's not even a meth face in the bunch. And now it's time for the body cavity searches performed by some lady, possible lesbian, guards. And believe me, if there is any possible way to show women being degraded and harmed, this movie will show it. Fucked up women issues. Then the lady guard forces Kat to call her dad and tell him that she will be in Mexico the next few months to shoot a movie. Why would a prison care that your family thinks you're somewhere other than prison? 

Then Kat has to go see the lady warden, who is in dominatrix wear. Lady warden is joined by some gross middle-aged  tubby creep (OK, I know that that is how I've described almost all the guys in this movie, but there really is no other way to describe them), who looks like he would play the racist police chief in a movie about the civil rights movement, and the Spanish-speaking parole officer. Wouldn't a parole officer have to speak English? Kat tells Lady Warden that she can't understand what he's saying. Translation: she has sex with him, she'll be released after three months. She is, of course, appalled and doesn't want to have sex with him, so she has to go back to her cell. Except no one is in their cell; they're just hanging out outside their cells. Who knew lady prison was just like a sorority house? Kat tells the other girls, who are no doubt already familiar with this quid pro quo arrangement, what happened to her. One of the other girls tells her, "They don't just lock you up. They teach you to be sexually submissive." Seriously, how the fuck was this movie released? 

Tracy is in LA now and she goes to the cops to report her sister as missing. But these veteran LA police don't think her sister is missing. They tell her to call her dad to see if Kat has checked in and she just did. So no police report necessary. Then for some reason she decides to go see Buck. Buck invites Tracy in and she goes in! God, this movie thinks that women are really dumb. Then he starts like messaging her temples because she seems stressed and she doesn't immediately flee. Then he tries to kiss her, but she stays. Then she agrees to kiss him and he tries to rape her. And this whole time all I can do is stare at her terrible wig. 

Luckily, good Samaritans Erik Estrada and Erik Estrada's friend are walking up the stairs to Buck's place right now. They hear Tracy screaming, but Buck grabs a gun and begins shooting at them. Erik Estrada's friend is able to disarm him and Tracy is safe...for now. Erik Estrada and Erik Estrada's friend had gone there to confront Buck because he said that Kat was a hooker, even though Erik Estrada knew that wasn't true. So Erik Estrada legitimately cares about his one night stand? Odd. 

So Tracy has a plan to find Kat: get sent to the same prison as Kat. Great plan, but how can you help Kat if you are both locked up? Erik Estrada and Erik Estrada's friend are hesitant, but Tracy insists. They say that if they don't hear from her by 8:00 they'll come looking for her. So Tracy goes to the audition place, is arrested, and sentenced to jail time by the same judge. Why does everyone keep waiving their right to a jury trial?! 

Erik Estrada and Erik Estrada's friend begin to worry about Tracy, so they too head to the auditions, after Erik Estrada's friend practices his karate in some Japanese garden. Erik Estrada's friend arrives to the audition sans shirt. Bold move. Fat ass Gene Simmons and Greaseball Bolognese don't want any of their shit and Greaseball Bolognese shoots Erik Estrada. But it was just in the shoulder, so he is alright, praise God. Erik Estrada's friend tells him that he will go rescue the girls by himself. 

Kat and Tracy are reunited and congratulations, you're both locked up. But all is not lost and they come up with a plan to get out. They go to see lady warden and creepy guard. Tracy has to get all sexy time with lady warden and Kat is going to put the moves on creepy guard. Creepy guard gives Kat some booze and then Kat smashes the bottle against creepy guard's head and steals his keys. Lady warden starts beating up Tracy and her wig almost comes off and you can totally see her natural hair underneath it. Kat goes in to lady warden's office and calls the cops. The same cop who Tracy spoke to days earlier answers and tells Kat that there is no Honeywell prison in California. Comcast's description leads you to believe that the cops are covering up the prison, but they don't even know anything about it. It's like the person who wrote the description didn't even watch the movie. 

Anyway, Kat finds a gun in lady warden's drawer, but then gross middle-aged tubby creep who looks like he would play the racist police chief in a movie about the civil rights movement finds her. She's able to flee, but then ends up in a cell with the dead bodies of some other lady prisoners and that guard from the beginning and she screams. And creepy guard is laying on one of the gurneys to catch her just on the off chance that she would wander into that room? Whatever. He disarms her and then takes her to see lady warden.

Lady warden is in a room with the parole officer, some prison employees, and some random creepy middle-aged dudes. There is a lady inmate dancing for them in her bra and panties. Did she work at that "rock" club in LA? And the random creepy middle-aged men are bidding on this young woman. WTF? Kat is also confused, until lady warden explains it to her in a James Bond villain-esque speech wherein she reveals all the details of their dastardly scheme: Honeywell is not an actual prison and is just a cover for an international human trafficking racket, she and all the other prison employees are just actors, and that all the lady inmates went to the same audition as Rhonda and Kat. Wow, it's too bad she just told Kat all this because Kat got a hold of one of the guard's guns and is now trying to escape.

Kat goes to find Tracy, who is in her cell. She gets Tracy out and locks two guards in the cell and shoots four bullets over their heads. Way to waste four of those six bullets Kat. As she is trying to break out, Erik Estrada's friend is breaking in to the prison to break them out. His karate skillz are so mad that he can bust through walls. The guards try to take him on with their billy clubs, but the billy clubs are no match. Why don't they just shoot him? I'm sure he's not bullet-proof, unlike Pauly D's hair. Speaking of shooting people, lady warden orders the guards to kill all the lady inmates, saying "No one here gets out alive." And then there's a montage of women being shot. That's entertainment! 

So Erik Estrada's friend, Tracy, and Kat are trying to free all the other lady inmates. And then Kat ends up crawling through the vents. I don't know why; this movie was so bad it gave me a headache and I was only partially paying attention at this point. So Kat's crawling through the vents and creepy guard finds her and starts crawling after her. And there are rats in the vent so Kat screams because girls can't handle rodents, of normal or unusual size. Creepy guard eventually catches up to Kat and they fight and she stabs him in the eye with a fork she picked up in an earlier prison fight. This scene does not help with my thing about eyes.

Erik Estrada's friend takes out the two guards who are killing all the women. The remaining living lady inmates are released and they spill onto the streets of LA like a bunch of early-80's performing arts high school students. The whole time they were being kept across from that Chinese theater. There are a bunch of cops arriving on the scene as well because the cop Kat called traced the call. So Tracy, Kat, and Erik Estrada's friend make it out alive. But where's Rhonda? Still inside, oh noes! But instead of just saying, "Fuck that bitch; she's the one who got me into this mess," Kat runs back inside to find Rhonda. I don't know why she couldn't just let the cops go find her. Oh wait, it's because she is stupid.

Back in the prison, Kat is shouting for Rhonda, but it is creepy guard who finds her instead. With a fork still in his eye. Which he then pulls out. And I vomit all over myself for three hours. He attacks Kat, but Rhonda is there to stab him in the stomach with some pointy piece of metal. 

Rhonda and Kat join Tracy, Erik Estrada's friend, and Erik Estrada outside. Erik Estrada's friend says that he is glad this is all over and Tracy responds that it is not over just yet. Then she starts making out with him. Now, I've never spent time in a prison that is just a cover for human trafficking run by a group of sick fucks, but I would imagine that my reaction to being set free would not be to make out with the first guy I see. But I also wouldn't wear a dead animal on top of my head and call it my hair, so who knows. As for Kat and Erik Estrada, they ride off into the sunset together on the back of his motorcycle. So I guess the lesson we should take from Caged Fury is this: ladies, never leave your hometown for the big city because you will almost be raped at least 27 times.

Bikini Bory

Bikini Island

Bikini Island (1991, 85 minutes)

Comcast's description:

Five gorgeous swimsuit models mysteriously vanish while filming a magazine layout on an isolated island; a "who done it" of the bodily kind.

For a movie entitled Bikini Island, the opening credits sure are serious, especially with the papyrus font. Then we find out the movie is "based in part on a true story." Oh, so there was a swimsuit photo shoot on an island once. Seems plausible.

There's a blond woman in a bikini, on what I can only assume is bikini island, and a photographer taking her picture. He keeps telling her to move back and then she falls off the cliff on the beach and dies. And then the model safely wakes up in her bed. Boourns. 

Our blond woman is Anne. She's in her 20's and lives in LA. That's never a good combination. She's going to an open model casting today for Swimsuit Illustrated (I wonder how the screenwriter can up with that name) so she puts on her best Chloe Sevigny-esque floral dress. Except it's the early 90's, so a dress that ugly is acceptable for the time period. Not so much now. Anne also puts on her underwear by putting one of her legs on a bar stool. That seems like an overly complicated way to put on underwear. 

Jack, the editor of Swimsuit Illustrated who looks like the guy from The State who was also Joey's freshman year English prof on Dawson's Creek, gets a call from Leon, the magazine owner, regarding the 15th anniversary issue they are currently casting for. Leon tells Jack, "I want these girls in my magazine, not your bed."  Then what's even the point of working for Swimsuit Illustrated?

At the casting there are lots of girls in those weird 1980's bikinis with the high-cut leg and high waist, which was probably considered the normal waist at the time, but now seems high-waisted. You know what I'm talking about. Deciding who will be cast is Jack, Aneesa, the stylist and not the girl from the Real World: Chicago (holla!), the French make up artists whose name I don't remember so I will call him Mattin, and Brian, the photographer whose shirt implies he's either gay or a big fat party animal. They ask the girls to dance. This is some of the least sexy dancing I've ever seen. And yet Jack, Mattin, and Brian are practically blowing their wads. So the French make up artist and the guy in the Hawaiian shirt are...straight? Um, ok. 

Anyway, they decide on five girls and Jack finds out each girls' name. There's our girl Anne, Kari, pronounced like Kari Wuhrer (:*-( RIP Ken Ober), a blond with fried hair, Tasha, the "exotic" one, i.e. olive skin tone, Ursula, the one with bangs, and Nicki, the other one with bangs, who tells Jack her name to which he lecherously replies, "I bet." What does that even mean?! Then Jack announces two ripped from the headlines Law and Order twists. First they'll be taking a luxury yacht to the shoot on St. Christopher's Island nee Bikini Island. Is St. Christopher's that trash island in the Pacific? If it's not, then it will be when they get there. Booyah! Then, whichever girl makes the cover will receive $100,000, possibly from the Glad family of products. They're leaving for the shoot tomorrow morning.

All the girls get to the dock and they all note that the boat is definitely not a luxury yacht. Joining them on this average boat is Aneesa, Brian, Mattin, and Jack. Jack notes that they're all disappointed about the boat but they should all relax, get some sun, and have a good time. Then there's a photo shoot on the boat. I thought the girls were supposed to relax? So they're all posing in their weirdo 80's bikinis and they're not looking nearly shiny enough, so Mattin has to oil them up. As he's rubbing some coconut-scented Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil, the scent of my mom in the 80's, on the models, some ominous music starts playing and he looks like he's going to start molesting them. But nothing happens, they just end up a little greasier than before. After the shoot, the girls are hanging out below the deck and talking about how they think Jack is cute. Really? I mean, he's cuter than Mattin and Brian, but best of the rest ain't exactly good. And Mattin's fragile French heart is broken since he is eavesdropping on their conversation through the emergency hatch (?). Next time don't eavesdrop, asshat. 

They arrive on Bikini Island and Jack announces they're headed to a 5-star hotel. Hopefully they 5-star hotel is better than the luxury yacht. And it's not! The hotel owner greets them and tells them it's the only 5-star hotel on the island. More importantly, though, the owner is Barth from You Can't Do That on Television. Barth could barely handle his burger place, how is he running a hotel? Oh hey, the hotel is just as crappy as the burger place and there's a mouse on the table. And then Brian goes off to feed the mouse to the snake he brought with him. Um, ok. One, why would he bring a snake? Two, shouldn't customs have stopped him from bringing in an animal? That Australian toad storyline from The Simpsons wasn't a joke. Whatever, the photographer's a weirdo.

They have a day off before the shoots are scheduled to begin because it makes sense to waste money like that? So Jack suggests they all go to the beach to frolic and whatnot. It's the whatnot that concerns Aneesa. Before they leave for the beach, she tells the girls, "I know you're all very liberated and worldly..." She just slyly called them hos. Awesome. Anyway, her point was that being hoey and hooking up with Jack won't land them the cover of the magazine. Also, only three of the girls are wearing bikinis. Were the other two not informed that this place is called Bikini Island? So they go to the beach and play in the water and then Nicki pretends to drown but she's actually ok and that's a super funny joke and then they play volleyball and Mattin ogles the girls some more while ominous music plays. Is this Mattin's first photo shoot or something? Why is he acting like such a horn dog around the girls? 

They arrive back at the hotel and Jack says something about his back hurting and Nicki flirtatiously says that maybe he needs a massage. Anne goes in her room to take a shower, but all that comes out is some dust. So Barth comes to fix the shower and Anne is standing there in a towel. I sure as shit wouldn't let Barth see me in a towel, but I'm also smarter than Anne. Barth says the shower is fixed, but if she wants he can stay there to make sure it works. Gross, dude. 

Now we're seeing everything from the perspective of a peeping tom. But who is it? The peeping tom looks through Nicki's key hole (sexy) and sees her toplessly making out/massaging Jack. Then the peeping tom sneaks into Anne's room and briefly watches her shower. Next time, lock your door, Anne, especially after you're sexually harassed by a hotel employee. 

The next day the girls are at their first shoot. Cue montage of girls in bikinis. Then Mattin suggest that Tasha cut her hair because all the models have the same length hair. But like many an America's Next Top Model contestant, Tasha doesn't want to cut her hair and she throws a tantrum and walks off. Jack walks off after her. He finds her by some trees and hits on her and then they make out and the peeping tom is spying on them. 

Back at the hotel, Nicki is chillin in her room and the peeping tom comes in. Why does no one lock their doors?! And the peeping tom, I shit (heh!) you not, plunges her to death. He sticks the plunger over her face and suffocates her. With a plunger! Brilliant! Our peeping tom has been upgraded to a class 5 killer. I don't like the sound of that "class 5." He leaves a fake note from Nicki saying that she's gone home.

The four remaining models and the magazine staff head off to the beach to shoot for the second day. There are cliffs just like in Anne's dream! And Tasha's standing by one. And then she's dead and I'm not sure how. They showed an egg fall by her foot so was she egged to death? Who knows, who cares. But the killer leaves another fake note and Aneesa finds it. And that's why you always leave notes. 

Back at the hotel where no one locks their doors, the killer is spying on Brian, who's feeding his snake (not a euphemism), and Kari, who appears to be working out in a girdle. Jack stops by her room with sexy intentions. He tells her that this is the first time he's been with a model, but Kari isn't nearly as dumb as she looks, so she doesn't buy it. But she also doesn't care and hooks up with him anyway. But then Aneesa wants to be a big cock block, like Angelina from Jersey Shore, so she tells Mattin to go get Jack. Mattin knows to find Jack in one of the girls' rooms because if any of the girls were attracted to him, that's where he'd be. So he knocks on Kari's door and tells Jack that Aneesa wants to see him. After Jack leaves, Kari coyly tells Mattin that he can stay. Mattin thinks that he will finally be able to have relations...with a woman! Or not. As Kari's downstairs getting food, Mattin is plunged to death. If you can't manage to push a plunger off your face, I think maybe you deserve to die.

The next morning, they find a fake note from Mattin saying he's going back to Cali to work on a movie and he didn't want to tell Jack to his face. Anne is beginning to doubt the validity of the notes, but Ursula and Nicki tell her not to worry about it just yet and if there's another note, then they'll start to worry. 

It's night again and so far everyone else is still alive. So far. It's time for us to learn a little bit more about our hotel's concierge, Barth. Barth has lots of naked ladies on his bedroom wall, a chicken in a cage (there's a choking the chicken joke here, but I'm not gonna make it), and some stolen black lingerie that he begins to smell. Barth is apparently a panty sniffer. And a stalker, as he follows Kari to the greenhouse because Kari received a note that read, "Kari, Meet me in the greenhouse in ten minutes. Jack" Why are they still believing these letters? Barth is watching Kari and the killer is watching Barth. And then his head is smashed with a big rock. Kari doesn't hear anything in the greenhouse, but she starts to get nervous. Pick up some pinking sheers! But alas, it is too late. She's strangled with a hose. 

In the morning they find a fake note from Kari saying she couldn't handle being runner up, so she went home. Having only two models left, Jack and Aneesa are buggin, so they decide to pick an easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl straight away. As they're deliberating, the peeping tom is spying on them. They emerge from the bushes to announce a winner. But! Right at that moment Brian the photographer is killed with a bow and arrow. A bow and arrow?! Lord. I bet Jack, Brian, and Aneesa really regret bringing that bow and arrow for one of the photo shoots. Live and learn, so to speak. Then Aneesa is shot with a bow and dies. Somebody must have taken a one credit hour archery class in college. Brave and chivalrous Jack takes off in a VW van, but he's hit in the neck and there's lots of blood and it's really gross. He eventually drives off a cliff. 

So what's happened to our girl Anne? Her shoulder is grazed by an arrow, but she's ok. And then we find out that Ursula is the killer. If The Little Mermaid taught us anything, it's never, ever trust a person named Ursula. And that Disney animators are big pervs. Anyway, she tells Anne that Jack and Aneesa picked her (her being Anne) as the cover girl. Anne wants to know why she killed all of them and Ursula answers, "I guess I'm just a sore loser. I figured with you and the others out of the way, well then they'd have to pick me...this meant everything to me and I lost everything." Wow, insanity, narcissism, shortsightedness, the inability to empathize; Ursula's like a reality show contestant before reality shows even existed.

Anyway, Ursula isn't about to let Anne live, so she chases after Anne with a bow and arrow, shouting, "I'll find you, you bitch." Anne runs through the hotel where it finally pays off that nobody locks their doors. Anne ends up hiding in a closet or bathroom or something, but that's where Ursula has stashed the bodies, so Anne screams and gives away her location, but she stabs Ursula with a comb and runs off. But Ursula is still okay to fight, so she chases Anne some more and they end up near a cliff, like in Anne's dream! They fight for a minute or so and then Anne manages to push Ursula off the cliff. Conveniently, Leon shows up in a helicopter right at this moment.

Leon visits Anne in the hospital and he tells her that Ursula was sick and disturbed. No shit, Sherlock; I think Anne already knew that. He tells Anne that she's landed the cover of the magazine with a story about the bikini island massacre and that he's already sold the movie rights and she is going to star in the movie. Then all these reporters come in and take her picture. I feel like this ending is some kind of commentary on the celebrity industrial complex, but it's kind of lost. Save the social commentary for a smarter movie, Bikini Island, and stick to what you do best: ladies in bikinis.

Look at all them hot pants

Gas Pump Girls

Gas Pump Girls (1985, 102 minutes)

Comcast's description:

Two filling stations [filling stations, the fuck?] occupy the same intersection, competing against each other to win the others' business. When one owner hires young sexy gas attendants, the other is forced to fold.

Have you ever wanted to see an hour and a half long ZZ Top video? Yeah, neither have I. Our movie opens on an empty gas station, Joe's, and a busy gas station across the street, Pyramid. Joe is being tormented by a fly and a pile of bills. I think the fly is a metaphor.

Now we're at a high school graduation. It's nice that these 35-year-olds are finally graduating from high school. Meth is a hell of a drug. There are three greasers in the audience. Were there still greasers in 1985? Possibly. One of the greasers, Joe Namath, who does not have a haircut you can set your watch to, crawls up on stage and attaches some girls' graduation gowns to the stage. When they stand up, their gowns come off and there are five naked girls on the stage! Why weren't they wearing clothes under their graduation gowns?! They're in the locker room getting dressed - again, why weren't they dressed to begin with - and one girl laments, "What a dirty, rotten trick." That wasn't really a trick; a trick is pennying someone's door, this is sexual harassment, but I'm not certain that that term existed in 1985. A girl named June then adds, "It was nice having all those boys look at me. I can't explain it, but it felt good." I can explain it; it's called low self-esteem and father issues.

Turns out June is Joe's niece. His favorite niece, which Joe says incestuous-soundingly. June and her beau, Roger, stop by the gas station to get, you guessed it, gas and Joe foreshadowingly says he isn't feeling well. But June is all, "Peace out, need time to give Roger a squeezer before the dance." But Roger doesn't want a squeezer (is he gay or something?); he's too busy being sad that this may be the last time he sees June. Is he going off to college tomorrow? Anyway, Joe ends up having a heart attack and Joe's wife, Mrs. Joe, thinks they may have to sell the gas station. Oh no! But June won't let that happen. When your too touchy uncle needs help, damn it, you help.

So June heads over to the gas station at like midnight and sings about friendship. Is this a fucking musical or something? I'm here for the boobs, not to hear a song with lines such as "Just give me all of my friends and I'll be happy again." Where exactly have June's friends gone since yesterday's graduation? Seriously, these kids do realize that they have summer vacation before they head off to Tarrant County Junior College? June calls up her best girl friends, the same ones that were nude at graduation, and is all "Do you want to go to TCJC or do you want to help me run a failing gas station?" Both sound pretty awful actually. But they decide that being slutty entrepreneurs is better than slutty junior college students, so they get to work cleaning up the gas station and making heart-shaped signs. I think that would count as a three hour art credit at TCJC. 

With all the heart-shaped signs painted and hung, the new and improved Joe's Super Duper is ready to reopen. And instead of having lame, old people uniforms, these girls are wearing hot pants and half shirts with either "regular" or "super duper" written on it to match up the size of their boobs with the gas they will pump. So the small titted girls wear "regular" shirts and pump the regular gas and the girls with bigger boobs wear the "super duper" shirts and pump the super duper gas. Heart-shaped signs, hot pants and half shirts, and "super duper"? Ladies, you're not doing any favors to other women who want to be taken seriously as small business owners. Further to this point, there's a dumbass named April who does not know how to pump gas. You're kidding me, right? One, how do you not know how to pump gas? Two, why would you volunteer to work at a gas station if you don't know how to pump gas?! So June tells April to, "Grab it, stick it in, squeeze it, let it peter out." Wow, it sounds a lot like they're talking about a penis. That's probably just a coincidence though.

They get their first customer and, surprisingly enough, it is a creepy middle-aged man. But the creepy middle-aged man doesn't just want gas, he would like a tune-up as well. I'm sure he would. But girls, of course, don't know anything about how to fix cars, so they have to call the boys to help out. By nature, boys just know how to work on cars. So June's boyfriend Roger and his friends Hal and Michael start to work at the gas station too. Dumb April is very excited that there are now boys working at the gas station, so she sneaks into the back seat of a car the boys are working on and blows Hal (or is it Michael? Fuck if I know) while the car is on the lift. I'm guessing this isn't the first time April has sucked off a dude at a gas station. 

The three greasers are leaning back on their parked motorcycles, flicking playing cards onto the ground. Then one of them frustratingly cries, "Let's raise some hell," along the lines of Milhouse's, "When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?" So they head to the gas station and anti-establishmentally dump trash on the ground. Al Gore is so pissed right now. One of the girls tell the greasers, "You attack everything that's decent." Who talks like this? Anyway, June realizes that these guys know about cars, so she asks them to work at the gas station. Where is she getting the money to pay all these people? The gas station is doing well because this movie assumes that only men drive and buy gas, but there are lots of past due bills. 

Mr. Friendly, the ironically-named manager of rival Pyramid gas, isn't too happy about Joe's taking all his business. So he hires two greasy thugs to rob Joe's? Or kill June? Something, I don't know what he was going for. But the girl in the office turns on the speaker system, so the other employees hear the greasy thugs intimidating her. Knowing that no girl is more than the sum of her parts, April walks by the office topless to distract the greasy thugs. But only one of the old, horny greasy thugs sees her and pantingly tells the other greasy thug that he's gonna go look for dumb, betitted April. And when he walks through the door the greasers bash him over the head with a wood plank. Then the other greasy thug sees another topless girl and he tells his boner to follow that girl. Then he's bashed over the head with a wooden blank. And the boys and girls of Joe's Super Duper cheered in victory. 

Then they decide to throw a party. A gas station party. Fun? So they're all dancing in the garage and Joe Namath decides to put the moves on Jane, a rather plain girl with small boobs. I don't know what he sees in her. And the rest of the kids dance and make out. I bet the employees of Pyramid don't do this. And the dancing continues the next day as Joe's Super Duper is turned into a disco? Seriously, two of the employees are dancing to some terrible disco-sounding music and there are a bunch of cars there and customers are standing around watching and clapping. Bitch, please. I've seen way more impressive dancing. Anyway, this scene was dumb. 

With his greasy thug plan having been foiled, Mr. Friendly decided to call a Pyramid gas exec to take care of this situation. And here's where our movie goes from being just an ordinary sexist terrible movie to also being a racist terrible movie. The exec is Middle Eastern and is surrounded by three blonde, white belly dancers. Arabic men have teamed up with black men and are going to steal all our blonde women. I read it on the internet. Anyway, the exec says he'll take care of it; he cuts off the gas supply to Joe's.

June wants to know why she has stopped receiving gas, so she goes over to Pyramid and asks the gas delivery guy what's up. There's a fart joke in that last sentence, but I'm not gonna make it. He basically alludes that they've been cut off. Not to defend Capitalism or the free market or anything, but doesn't that kind of make sense. Why would they supply gas to a competing gas station and isn't the smart decision to cut off the gas station that is outselling your own gas station? I wonder what Thomas Friedman would say about all of this. June's kind of an entitled asshole, so she decides to siphon off the gas from Pyramid. So she and her team of gasholes (haha!) take their cars over to Pyramid and set up a siphoning system with rubber tubes. But this plan all hinges on the girls, who are all in bikinis to distract the male Pyramid employees. You know, this movie insults both women and men. And of course the boys are all leering over the bikini-clad girls who are playing with a beach ball. And they end up stealing hundreds of dollars worth of regular and what Pyramid only refers to as super gas.

As could have been predicted, they run out of gas and have no way of refueling. The gasholes are ready to give up, but June gives an impassioned speech about something, I don't remember and my notes are not very helpful, and the troops rally around her again. And they have a plan. There's always a plan.

And it's an offensive plan! They rent a limo and the boys dress up as sheikhs and the girls are dressed as belly dancers. The sad thing is, with the other movies I have watched from the 80's that feature horrible stereotypes of blacks, I know there's no way a movie could feature those stereotypes today, but I think these depictions of Middle Eastern people could still be acceptable today, at least among a certain population. And I watched the really awesome No Reservations: Saudi Arabia tonight, so I'm feeling particularly outraged about this. Anyway, as the fake sheikhs are scamming there way in, some real sheikhs are leaving and one says to the other, "If those are real Arabs, I'll eat my camel." LOL!!!@!!1!1@!! Ugh. 

Then they head up to the office of the exec who cut off their supply of gas. His secretary asks them what part of Arabia they were from. Seriously? When did people stop using the term Arabia? It certainly had to be before 1985. Anyway, she lets them in to see the exec because she's a moron who can't tell the difference between a Middle Eastern person and a white person wearing a kefiyah speaking a fake language that is supposed to pass for Arabic. So they go in the office and take off their disguises. They try to convince him to start supplying them with gas again, but he's not an idiot and he's not going to supply his competition with gas. Then June starts crying - ugh! - and says that he's "the meanest man [she's] ever met." Seriously June, I know you just graduated high school, but you're still 35 and that bullshit just doesn't fly when you're an adult. Or does it? He starts to feel bad that she's crying and then she tells him about the greasy thugs and he says he never authorized that. So he says they can come up with a solution for their two competing gas stations. Seriously?! What a crappy message: girls, cry and you'll get what you want. Fuck that.

So we find out that Joe now works at Pyramid in Mr. Friendly's former position. He's smoking a cigar, at a gas station; that seems like a bad idea. Then June stops by to say hi and after she leaves he creepily says, "She always was my favorite niece." Gross. And then all the gasholes ride off into the sunset together. I think they may be going to get Aerosmith tickets or something. Oh wait, that was another far superior teen-related movie. Let's just end it on gross.

Would you mind if I hang up a confederate flag?

The Party Animal

The Party Animal (1984, 78 minutes)

Comcast's description:

A farm boy arrives at college determined to lose his virginity, but has no luck with women...until he discovers Love Potion 69 which makes him irresistible to women and changes him into The Party Animal.

We open with a Buzzcocks song? How did they get wrapped up with this shitty movie? Our movie's eponymous Party Animal, Pondo Sinatra, arrives to college via turnip truck. Har har! Pondo meets his roommate Studly, A.C. Slater's eighth dork from Bayside's rap version of Snow White. Pondo is wearing a shirt with a confederate flag on it and he has decorated his half of the dorm room with confederate flags and a giant teddy bear with a confederate flag on it. So this guy's primary goal in college is to have sex, so he decides to put a giant teddy bear with a confederate flag on it on his bed? Cosmo would advise against that. Remember that Real World: Los Angeles when David is wearing a Malcolm X shirt because it is 1992 and Jon from Kentucky was like, "Would you mind if I hang up a confederate flag?" And David gets pissed and later in the episode he goes after Jon, but Republican Aaron stops him. I wish David were here to kick Pondo's ass. Perhaps because he is balding and always wearing racist shirts, Pondo just can't get laid. Maybe he should join the Pit. Pondo's on a date with a college coed, but for some reason she's just not responding to his mauling, especially when he tries to pry her legs apart. Apparently everything Pondo learned about sex he learned from Roman Polanski. (Topical!)

The next student he tries to woo is a Russian theater major wearing an outfit frighteningly similar to Nicolas' horrifying outfit from episode three of this season's Project Runway. A.C. Slater decides to be Pondo's Cyrano de Bergerac and even though he is only like five feet away from them and isn't hiding behind anything or keeping his voice down in any way, the Russian girl does not notice him. That obliviousness is why they lost the cold war. But just as the Russian is ready to give it up, Pondo's ear piece breaks and he doesn't know what to tell her to seal the deal. So he improvises, "Roses are red. Violets are blue. You've got big tits I want to suck on too." Pondo's a lit major.

Then there's a montage of girls in swimsuits just cuz? L'art pour l'art, I guess. It's like these skanks are purposefully trying to tempt Pondo only to withhold sex from him. And that's enough to cause him to put a gun in his mouth. Unfortunately he doesn't pull the trigger; A.C. Slater talks him out of it. As he's taking the gun out of his mouth, Pondo accidentally shoots one of the sluts on Slater's bed, but Slater tells him that it's alright. The fuck? Just a slut, no worries. Slater tells Pondo to go see a sage old black man, a poor man's Morgan Freeman, if you will, who teaches him the phrase, "Houndog's gonna eat that pussy." I'm swooning already.

Pondo decides to try out his new-found confidence at a black club. It should be noted that the people at this club are wearing dashikis and kente cloth and I think I even see a person with a bone through his nose. This is the movie that hates both Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama. Ohhhh, so this movie voted for Ron Paul. Wisely, Pondo is not wearing a confederate flag shirt, but is instead dressed as a circa-1970's pimp. As he enters the club, which is really just that house a few blocks over that was built in 1972 and was considered "cutting-edge" at the time, he says to the bouncer "What's going on, nigger?" Oh sweet Jesus, this movie can officially fuck off. And then after dropping the n-bomb, he goes to sexually harass one of the girls at the club. Even though he clearly hates black people, he's willing to let a black girl fuck him; now that's post-racial. But the club-goers don't take too kindly to Pondo and they stab him in the forehead with a pick. Get it? They're black!

Unfortunately the pick in the forehead does not kill him; it's only made him stronger and hornier, so he's off to go spy on some girls who are working out in lingerie. That's what we girls do. So he takes a page from popular early-80's program Bosom Buddies and dresses up as a lady to infiltrate their lingerie work out circle. Then he suggests strip poker. I've known my best friend for 13 years and my roommate for 7 years and never once have any of us suggested strip poker when we're just hanging out. Are we weirdos? Additionally, playing strip poker when you're already 3/4 naked is a stupid idea, so soon enough we've got lots of boobies. And one boner. Pondo! 

Slater advises Pondo to go to a store name Willinger's to get some dope threads because it's 1984 and ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man is still a popular song. But he accidentally goes to the punk shop below Willinger's named Dillinger's instead. I wonder if the Dillinger Four and the Dillinger Escape Plan shop here. As Slater advised, he asked for "the works," and they make him look like a mohawked Quasimodo. I don't think that that was ever an actual look. And as I've always suspected, small Southern towns still work a lot like European villages from the 1500's, so the townspeople chase Pondo with pitchforks and torches. I would fully support this if they were chasing him because he's a sexual predator, with Chris Hansen leading the way, of course, but they're only chasing him because he looks weird, so I don't know if I can really support that. Fuck it, yes I can; Pondo's an asswipe who should be strung up in the town square, regardless of the motivations. 

Slater decides to take Pondo to a whorehouse. The whorehouse has a big sign on it the that says "Whorehouse." How discrete. But none of the hookers want to fuck him because he's still a bemohawked hunchback. Wow, I thought hookers will fuck anyone. But no kissing on the lips. 

Suddenly Pondo is back to looking normal again, normal for him. He goes to a sex shop and this whole scene is in black and white. How art house. Pondo doesn't know what a double-ended dildo is. Odd, because he is a double-ended dildo. Hey-o! He asks for the biggest vibrator they have. Next we see him about to sex up a girl in a dorm room and he's about to see a return on his vibrator investment. If he's so hard up, why is he gonna use a vibrator on this chick instead of his own dick? Whatever. So this vibrator turns out to be the size of a missile and he ends up blowing all the circuits in the dorm; I think he also ended up blowing his bone. Because of his latest antics, he gets sent to the dean's office because college deans deal with dormitory issues, that's why they make the big bucks. The dean just happens to be a sexy lady, how lucky for Pondo. 

While in class, Pondo learns what an aphrodisiac is. Apparently roofies weren't around in 1984. He makes it his life's mission to create an aphrodisiac and go for the Nobel Prize in horny asshattery. He sets up a lab in the rec room on his dorm floor. I suppose that's a nice change from dorm meth labs. Pondo is in his car with a girl and he sprays his first batch of aphrodisiac from like an Aquanet bottle. It makes all her hair fall out. Ironic for an Aquanet bottle. Then he tries out his second batch on another girl and it turns her into a gorilla. Then he decides to put his aphrodisiac in pill form. But his dorm floor nemesis, some uppity bitch who doesn't know her place, switches his pills for some farting pills. Are those a thing? Pondo picks up his date at the house a few blocks over that was built in 1972 and was considered "cutting-edge" at the time. I thought that place was a black club? As she opens the door, he shoves a bunch of those pills down her throat. And she still goes out with him! I know it was the early 80's and all, but would any woman really put up with a drugging? Christ. So they're in the car and the farting pills kick in. Oh no! 

The sexy dean calls in Pondo for all of his hijinks with the aphrodisiacs and their side effects. We see the bald girl, the farty girl, an alien of some sort, and the gorilla girl wearing a red beret. And let's be real, a gorilla in a beret is never not funny, so I kind of laughed at that. Pondo's expelled.

Pondo is packing up his sexy time lab and he starts pouring all his chemicals in a plastic bucket. As he's cleaning up, his lady nemesis comes in and gives him shit, as any self-respecting woman should. But then something strange happens when all the chemicals combine. And they have an odd effect on lady nemesis. Soon enough she is mauling him. Awwww, Pondo was finally deflowered. Realizing that no girl would actually fuck him of her own accord, he stops the sage old black man from dumping the chemicals down the sink. And finally his work is ready to be submitted to the Nobel committee for consideration. 

Pondo boasts to Slater about his discovery even though no one told me there was going to be boasting, so Slater takes him to sorority house I Phelta Thi. Hey! That sounds a lot like "I felt a thigh." I wonder if that's on purpose. Because of this crazy aphrodisiac, all the girls at the house want to fuck him and he goes one-by-one down the hall as the Buzzcocks play. Seriously, this movie has kind of ruined the Buzzcocks for me. (One time I was in Rockford for my friend's graduation party and I ended up getting lost in Rockford at like 1:00 in the morning and it took me like an hour and a half to find my way back to the road I needed to get to DeKalb and the whole time I was listening to the Buzzcocks' Singles Going Steady. After that I wasn't able to listen to that CD for like six months because it reminded me of being lost in the middle of the night and I would start to panic a little.) He's down to the last girl of the house and oh no! She's fat. Gross! And even though he doesn't want to fuck her, she just doesn't care. Sounds familiar.

Pondo figures out that if he goes to see the sexy dean, she will want to do him and then he won't get expelled. So he goes to see her, but first her gay secretary who is a composite of every terrible 1980's gay stereotype wants a piece of him. Dude sex, gross! Luckily Pondo is able to escape into the dean's office with his heterosexuality firmly in tact. But sexy dean isn't there anymore. Fat black lady dean is. Now Pondo was willing to fuck that other black chick because she was thin and conventionally attractive, but this is just too much.

As he's walking back to his dorm room, a bunch of girls chase Pondo and he realizes he's in over his head. He goes, incognito, to a laundromat to get all the chemicals out of his clothes. As he's sitting there, hiding behind a newspaper, five fat ladies come in to do their laundry. It is true that we travel in packs. Pondo's desperately hoping that they don't realize he's there. But it's too late. All five fatties sexually attack him. And then we find out that Pondo died. Did the fatties crush him to death? Did he choke on his own vomit at the thought of fucking these fat chicks? We may never now, but what we can be certain of is that it is ridiculously offensive. Live by the aphrodisiac, die by the aphrodisiac. 

I dial it in from south of the border

The Harvest

The Harvest (1992, 97 minutes)

Comcast's description:

After falling in with a gang of Mexican body organ thieves, a struggling screenwriter wakes up in an ice-filled bathtub missing a kidney. Bloody vengeance ensues. Rule #1: never tell somebody you'll give anything to work in Hollywood.

Rule #2: never let piece of shit director Michael Bay film you washing his car.

So not only are Mexicans taking our jobs, they're also taking our organs! And Obama wants to cover these people with our public option?! And everyone knows the black market is much more efficient than the government. I don't want some government bureaucrat coming between me and my organ dealer. 

You know who else doesn't want our organs stolen? Screenwriter Chuckles Pope. Chuckles is working on a screenplay about a HARVESTER, but not an organ harvester, a wheat harvester. Who's shot or something. I think it's called The Wheat Harvester Who Got Shot. Anyway, Chuckles is going to Mexico to investigate some hit or something because unsuccessful screenwriters make really good detectives. He's staying at some shitty hotel run by a hairy American who wears speedos. Why is it the hairy old men who insist on wearing speedos? 

Chuckles goes to investigate at the hotel where the murder took place. Reading from the hotel brochure, the concierge informs Chuckles that there have been five murders in that hotel in the last two years, all Americans. Why would they put that in the brochure? The last person killed there wasn't killed in a hit; he was killed because he molested a detective's, Detective Topo's, son. 

Chuckles goes to the hotel lobby to use their phone and he sees an attractive blonde woman. Her name is Serena van der Woodsen. But Serena VDW goes off with another guy. He later sees the car of Serena VDW's beau parked and he looks through the items in the car. Romantic! Then a big dog attack a little dog in front of the little dog's child owners and Chuckles intervenes, but gets bitten by the big dog, so he has to be taken to the hospital for stitches. There we find out he has type O negative blood and he's on Prozac. Of course he is. Every self-involved, self-important man-child douchenozzle in the 90's was. Even today in America it's really hard to be a straight, white male. 

Chuckles calls the studio executive, played by way too awesome for this movie Harvey Fierstein, to tell him that the murder was not a hit; it was because the guy was a child molester. Harvey tells Chuckles that the movie is off because no one is going to see a child molester movie. That's true. The Dakota Fanning Rape Movie only made $132,000. Chuckles trashes his hotel room in a fit because, as mentioned before, he is a self-involved, self-important man-child douchenozzle. 

Later that night, he goes to the club that many of the murdered Americans went to. I can see why that would be a draw. But they are playing Belinda Carlisle, so that's a plus. Judging by the men wearing nail polish, revealing tank tops and half shirts, and bad facial hair, I would say this is a club full of 90's gay stereotypes. Some guy, Manic Panic Bleach Kit, starts hitting on him, but Chuckles isn't having it. But he finds out from Manic Panic Bleach Kit that Detective Topo is corrupt and not to fuck with him. And guess who else is at the club: Serena van der Woodsen. Serena VDW comes over to talk to Chuckles. Manic Panic Bleach Kit ain't too happy about Serena VDW being a cock block, so he puts an ice cube down her daisy dukes. Then Serena VDW starts rubbing her crotch and then takes the ice cube out and rubs it on her chest and then puts it in her mouth and then puts it in Chuckles mouth. Gross. I wonder if this is part of her plan to get her absentee father's attention? 

Serena VDW tells Chuckles to meet her by the water at midnight. Chuckles obliges. Serena VDW tells Chuckles that she likes that spot because she likes the shadows against the columns. She then asks, "Do you like shadows?" and he replies, "I never thought about it." Seriously, I can't stand this shit. Do you like shadows? Wow, that's so deep. She's like Rita from Arrested Development. Oh wait, Rita ended up being mentally retarded. Yeah. It starts raining and Serena VDW says, "I like to get wet." Oh ho ho, double-entendre. Serena and Chuckles start making out.

Trying to prove how carefree and liberated she is, Serena VDW takes off to go swim in her clothes. She's crazier than Dharma. That's when Chuckles is hit over the head from behind and is taken to an abandoned building where two men wheel him on a gurney. He wakes up hours later and is hooked up to an IV. I'd also like to point out that he did not wake up in an ice bath as Comcast said he would. Liars! There's a man showering who really should be watching Chuckles, but he's not, so Chuckles runs away. He makes it to a golf course and then passes out.

He wakes back up in a hospital, sans sin one kidney. Dude, you've got another one. What do kidney's even do? Exactly, no one knows. Chuckles goes to the police station to report his missing kidney and he meets Detective Topo. These Mexican cops don't even care that his kidney is missing. Don't they realize that he's a super important Hollywood screenwriter, in his opinion?

Chuckles packs up to head back to the US. He should have left his Macintosh at home because it's hard to pack that up in a hurry. He gets in a cab to go to the airport, but there's a chicken truck holding up traffic. Mexicans! Manic Panic Bleach Kit and some other guy carjack the cab, in order to get Chuckles' other kidney? But Chuckles, one can assume, is used to this sort of thing because of his sucky personality that causes people to want to injure him, so he manages to escape and jump on the back of a dump truck. 

He's back in the same town, so it should be pretty easy for Manic Panic Bleach Kit and the other guy to find him. And it is! Chuckles is talking to Detective Topo and the other guy comes from behind and tries to hit him on the head, but Chuckles ducks and the other guy hits Detective Topo instead. Chuckles then punches the other guy out and tries to help Detective Topo up. Well, it turns out that Detective Topo has been working with these guys, so Chuckles steals his gun and escapes, again. 

Chuckles then takes a boat to some other part of Mexico where he thinks Serena VDW is. He boats up to the beach and stops at the bar. He takes some shots of what I can only assume is either Crystal Pepsi or Zima because it is 1992. It's the soda/malt beverage of the future, today! After drinking some delicious, too short lived Crystal Pepsi or Zima, Chuckles heads to Serena VDW's home. I don't know how he knows it's her home, so he's clearly much smarter than me. Except I wouldn't fall asleep while breaking into someone's home, so now who's smarter? 

Chuckles wakes up and Serena VDW is dabbing his forehead with a wet cloth. He finds out that they are at her aunt's house. He asks for her help because she is the only one he trusts and she agrees to help. Seriously? He's not cute, not charming, unemployed, by the looks of it, and broke into your aunt's house, but you want to risk your life to help him? Dumber than the time she tried to set up Poppy Lifton, instead of just letting her mom take care of it by paying everyone off, and Poppy ended up taking off with Georgina's OMJC Bible camp money because Serena was being arrested for stealing her mom's bracelet that was a present to her for getting into Brown, which isn't actually that big of an accomplishment at all.

Chuckles and Serena VDW are headed back to the US. Continuing to try and prove how liberated and carefree she is, Serena VDW stands up in the car, out of the sun roof. Wow, she really is a free spirit. Then Chuckles starts like eating her out while driving, which seems really unsafe. I mean, I don't think The Rules of the Road explicitly state, "While driving, don't eat out the pussy of the girl you just met in Mexico a week ago," but I think that would be implied somewhere. 

Luckily this is all over with by the time they make it to the US-Mexico border. But he's got a gun in the car and his name is all over some Mexican newspaper for that altercation with Detective Topo, so Serena VDW is worried. To calm her down, Chuckles slaps her. Why do people (and by people I mean characters in movies) think this is a good idea? Not only is it assault, I would think it would just make the other person more upset, thereby having the opposite result than intended. The customs agent is asking them a few questions, about a pill bottle in the car and the license plates, but all is fine and they are given the green light to head back to the land of the free (Serena VDW) and the home of the brave (Chuckles). 

They head to Chuckles' dead dad's farm where his brother(?) is harvesting some wheat and Chuckles introduces Serena VDW as his "future ex-wife." Charming. Why did his first ex-wife ever let him go? Then there's a really boring sex scene between Chuckles and Serena VDW that was only about two minutes, but it felt much longer (that's what she said). Was I supposed to be titillated by that? Because I wasn't.

The next morning, things are quiet on the farm. A little too quiet. Chuckles peaks his head out the kitchen window to see what's going on and the other guy attacks him, but Chuckles is able to fend him off. Then the other guy and Manic Panic Bleach Kit bust in the front door. Serena VDW shoots the other guy, but not fatally, and he shoots her. Then the other guy gets impaled by an iron candelabra courtesy of one Chuckles Pope. But Manic Panic Bleach Kit has a gun, so Chuckles is screwed. But he'll live for now because it turns out that there was a problem with the kidney they took, so they're going to take the other one. They had to come all the way to the US to get another kidney, instead of just taking another American's kidney? That's stupid and a waste of time and resources. They have to wait until the doctors arrive, so Manic Panic Bleach Kit puts on some coffee for the two of them. That's thoughtful. Chuckles asks Manic Panic Bleach Kit if Serena VDW set him up that night on the beach and was in on the plan to steal his kidney. Manic Panic Bleach Kit says that she was. Serena VDW then musters her last bit of strength to try and shoot Manic Panic Bleach Kit, but the gun is out of bullets. Wah wahhh. Manic Panic Bleach Kit then goes over to Serena VDW to shoot her, but Chuckles stabs him in the neck with some broken glass. 

The doctors arrive via helicopter. Again, this just seems unnecessary and a waste of resources. They come through the front door and Chuckles holds up his gun and tells them to leave and they do. First of all, they came all the way from Mexico, by helicopter, to take this guy's kidney and there just gonna leave without a fight? Secondly, these guys came all the way from Mexico, by helicopter, to take his one remaining kidney, and Chuckles isn't gonna try to shoot them? Dumb all around for an all around dumb movie. But I supposed Chuckles has bigger things to worry about right now. His one true love, for the past week, is bleeding to death on the floor. He cradles her and then she dies. His isn't the last face I would want to see before I die. Sucks for her.

Chuckles is printing something off his Macintosh with a dot matrix printer. I hope he backed up his work on a floppy disk. Then someone knocks on his door. It's Detective Topo! Detective Topo tells Chuckles that they found the girl from last night, Serena van der Woodsen, and she had nothing to do with what happened to him. So basically everything from "Chuckles packs up to head back to the US" on is all part of the screenplay he just wrote. Really, The Harvest? Really?! You have to be fucking kidding me with this shit. Now I know how all those St. Elsewhere fans felt. Thanks for nothing, The Harvest.

I am the Re-Revenger

Sweet Revenge

Sweet Revenge (1987, 79 minutes)

Comcast's description:

They've been kidnapped and are about to be sold into slavery! Gina Gershon and the chick from Robocop find a way to escape without breaking a nail. Revenge may not be sweet, but it sure is pretty.

If I may draw your attention to the picture of the Sweet Revenge poster to the left, the top of the poster mentions "white slavery." Is white slavery different than slavery slavery? Is it somehow scarier because I'm white? Is white people slavery worse than people of color slavery? In conclusion, what the fuck? The movie hasn't even started yet and I'm already offended. 

We open on a colonial Spanish mansion with ethnic armed guards surrounding the building. We're either somewhere in Latin America or the Philippines, I can't quite tell. There's a group of young, sexy ladies running 

around in white night gowns and it looks like they're trying to escape. One is shot to death while trying to climb the fence. Here's a lesson for you gals: always be prepared for a gun fight. We pan to the balcony overlooking the grounds and see a creepy old man in front of some flags with Third Reich-ish eagles on it. I suppose when you're a human trafficker, one of the only groups worse is the nazis, so by comparison you don't look so bad. That's why I hang out with people with hair lips.

The credits roll and the music is oddly peppy for a movie about human trafficking. The screen then advises us that we're "somewhere in the far east." Philippines it is then. Far East is kind of a vague term though, but I guess it doesn't matter because all those countries are the same anyway. We're in a cave with a Crocodile Dundee-esque fellow named Boone, who's some kind of counterfeiter and he's about to make a deal with some shady-looking guys, but then they're gunned down by a brown-haired fellow whose name they must have said at some point, but I don't remember it, so I'm just gonna call him Ray Ban Skinny Tie. Boone runs away, but Ray Ban Skinny Tie chases after him and we find out Ray Ban Skinny Tie works for a powerful man named Cicero Avenue and Boone is honing in on Cicero Avenue's counterfeiting territory. Antoine Bugleboy is after him too. Boone kicks Ray Ban Skinny Tie in the balls - I thought dudes weren't supposed to do that to other dudes - and escapes. I have a feeling we'll be seeing him again.

We then see a news broadcast from lady reporter Jillian Grey. She's investigating the disappearance of several woman from the LA area. After the broadcast, she meets up with an informant in a parking garage. The book and the movie All the President's Men came out in the 70's, so, at this point, isn't meeting up in a parking garage a little predictable and trite? But I didn't go to J-school like Jillian and Murphy Brown, so what do I know?  The informant tells her that the disappearances have to do with a large corporation. That's it? That better have been worth it because he's shot and killed for informing. Snow doesn't suffer informants kindly. Snow then shoots the camera man working with Jillian, but he doesn't have the tape. Jillian does, but she's already booked it.

We cut to three sexy ladies, Gina Gershon, Tina, and White Bread, waiting in a bar for a modeling agent. They worked hard for that degree from the Barbizon School of Modeling and they're going to put it to good use. While they wait, they're sucking on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freeze.

Jillian is back at home tucking in her daughter, Jaime. Her daughter has the same Care Bears sheets I had as a kid. They taught me to share my special feelings. Until I was old enough to realize that sharing your special feelings only leads to embarrassment and unpopularity. Despite having a young daughter and living in LA, Jillian doesn't lock her front door. How convenient for Snow. Jillian is kissing her husband and then Snow busts in and shoots Mr. Jillian and Jaime runs away. Snow and Ray Ban Skinny Tie chloroform Jillian.

We're back at the bar with our three sexy ladies. It turns out that Snow is the modeling agent. Quite the multi-tasker Snow is. Gina Gershon has questions about this modeling gig, but Snow gets annoyed. Why does no one trust a white rapper from the Canadian projects? It's not like she's from Detroit. Snow says she has to leave soon, but that they could talk more about the modeling gig in the car. Gina Gershon is hesitant. No shit, Sherlock. The basic rule of not getting in a car with a stranger applies when you're an adult, too. But they relent and get in the car with Snow and Ray Ban Skinny Tie. This is a bigger mistake than the new Jay Leno show. (Topical!) Ray Ban Skinny Tie pulls a gun on the girls and they're forced into a private plane with chloroformed Jillian. Ray Ban Skinny Tie LOLs, "Maybe you ladies can have a Tupperware party." Save the snark for us professionals, Ray Ban Skinny Tie. 

Gina Gershon, still drugged up Jillian, Tina, and White Bread arrive in the non-descript Far East. The girls are locked in the back of a paddywagon. Snow hates cops, why is she driving a paddywagon? Sell out. There's a traffic jam because as we all know, Asians can't drive! Grandpa still hasn't found his automobile since he lent it to Dong. It's funny because it's racist. I'm just glad that by the 90's we had learned our lesson and decided to make fun of white foreign exchange students instead. Third Eye Blind really is the soundtrack of our lives. Anyway, the paddywagon is stuck in traffic and Snow and Ray Ban Skinny Tie are serious dumbfucks and left like a crowbar in the back, so the girls are able to break out of the truck. Gina Gershon wants to leave still drugged up Jillian, but White Bread insists they take her. So Gina Gershon, Tina, White Bread, and still drugged up Jillian are running down a crowded Asian street. Jillian sobers up quickly. So the four gals run through a restaurant/bar where Boone just happens to be playing Mah Jong. Boone knows something is up with these running girls and because they're attractive, he decides to help them. He's let many an ugly girl die, so these girls are lucky. He holds up the men chasing them until he's threatened with a knife. And he's all like "That's not a knife; that's a knife." Just kidding. He doesn't have any weapons so Cicero Avenue's goons take him. Snow catches up to the girls and shoots and kills Tina and takes the rest of the girls back to the truck.

The girls are taken to Cicero Avenue Research Foundation. Yeah, that's not a shady-sounding name. Cicero Avenue also likes to spend time at the Legitimate Businessmen's Social Club. Jillian finally meets face-to-face with with Cicero Avenue. How did television's Martin Landau get wrapped up in all of this?! Next you're gonna tell me that Inspector Gadget is a member of the Russian Mob or that Joe Friday ran off and joined a drug commune with Blue Boy. (Hi Dad!) Anyhoozles, Jillian wants to know where her her daughter is and Cicero Avenue says to ask Snow and Ray Ban Skinny Tie.

But there's no time for that now. It's lady auction time! And it's held at Cicero Avenue's very 1980's discotheque/It's a Living restaurant. Our lady auction patrons include some European royalty, some creepy Texans, and some Sultans, or a hipster in a keffiyah who somehow snuck into the auction, but you can't pay for ladies with coke and American Apparel tees, no matter what Dov Charney tells you, himself, no doubt, a patron of some lady auctions, because seriously. Jillian is first up at the lady auction. The creepy Texan wants a "closer look;" I just threw up in my mouth a little. Jillian punches him in the face and gets ahold of one of the automatic guns the security guards use and she starts shooting up the place. This is kind of awesome.  

Jillian, White Bread, and Gina Gershon escape, and go to free Boone, who is tied up in the basement. Snow and Cicero Avenue chase after them, but Jillian is pretty proficient with a gun; she is from LA after all. They all manage to get out of the discotheque while shooting Cicero Avenue's security guards. Boone steals one of Cicero Avenue's army trucks because when you're a sociopathic human trafficker, what else are you gonna drive? A car chase ensues and there's some hot merging action and a gun fight, but Cicero Avenue's men couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight, so the girls and Boone remain unscathed. 

Jillian asks Boone to help her find out what happened to her daughter and Boone obliges because he's a gentleman, a horny gentleman. Gina Gershon and White Bread decide to help Jillian find her daughter because sticking together is what good waffles do. (OK, I wrote this line yesterday and today the Simpsons episode it's from is on. I've always considered myself psychic when it comes to Simpsons episodes, but this just proves it.) Hopefully this doesn't end with them driving off the Grand Chasm. The girls hug because that is what girls do. Boone has a friend named Buddha who can help them. I have a friend named Jesus who helps me during tough times. He carried me on a beach once. During their down time, Gina Gershon and White Bread find time to frolic under a waterfall and they wish Tina could be there with them. What the fuck is wrong with these girls? I've never been kidnapped and had a friend shot and killed in front of me, but I would imagine that I wouldn't be acting like I was on fucking vacation while waiting to try and get a girl's daughter back. Shit. 

Boone's Angels and Bosley go to Buddha's village (is that like Santa's Village?) to get weapons or seek enlightenment or have a barbecue or something. While there, Boone and Jillian kiss. Wasn't her husband, father of her child, just killed in front of her, like two days ago? Is skankiness the 7th stage of grief? And wasn't she just almost purchased by a creepy Texan to be his like sex slave, which would turn me off to sex for the rest of my life? And trust me, Boone ain't that charming, certainly not enough to woo a woman who was just kidnapped and has a missing child and murdered husband. Seriously, what the fuck? 

They're on a boat now, so it's like a Boone's Angels/Love Boat crossover. There's a bounty out for these four, and some other boaters attack their boat. It's like that lost episode of The Love Boat where Charo and Robert Urich took the love boat hostage so they could return Gopher to the island of Dr. Moreau. Gopher was half man, half gopher, yes? Luckily Robert Urich was able to turn his life around thanks to his friend Hawk and an American gem known as Boston. But getting back to our current story, Boone, Jillian, and White Bread are in deep shit, but Gina Gershon still has her knife, so they take out the bounty hunters and there's another gun fight, but Boone's Angels make it out alive again. In the meantime, Cicero Avenue has attacked Buddha's village, but Buddha just plays it cool and digs all jive.

Boone's Angels and Bosley go to Boone's cave to hide out before they open their final can of meatless whoop ass on Cicero Avenue. We find out that Boone is a perfume counterfeiter. Who needs counterfeit perfume when you can just buy Designer Impostors. Then Boone and Jillian have sex in the cave. Seriously?! I know they probably wanted to add some sexy results, but there were two single girls with him who did not just lose their husbands and have a missing child. God. The only thing Boone loves more than sexing the ladies is gun fighting, so they arm up for the impending showdown against Cicero Avenue. 

Boone's Angels and Bosley arrive at the Cicero Avenue Research Foundation. Conveniently, there are stacks of wooden crates and palates that they can hide behind strewn about the lawn. Boone, White Bread, and Gina Gershon start shooting the guards and Jillian goes off to find Cicero Avenue. It appears that Cicero Avenue never wanted to invest money into training his guards because they are being easily taken out by two people who before a few days ago had never shot a gun. That's the problem with capitalists today; they never want to invest in people. Jillian finds Cicero Avenue and holds him at gun point, demanding that he tells her where her daughter is. Then she's distracted by something shiny and he gets away.

So it turns out that Snow and Ray Ban Skinny Tie have had a plan this whole time to double cross Cicero Avenue. By taking his brief case? And leaving on a helicopter without him? An evil brain trust these two are. Nobody steals Cicero Avenue's helicopter and gets away with it. So he decides to dangerously hang from the bottom of the helicopter? Now I know how he came to be the leader. Cicero Avenue shouts to Ray Ban Skinny Tie that he'll give him anything he wants. Dude, they already have you brief case; what else could they want? Ray Ban Skinny Tie stomps on Cicero Avenue's hands and he falls to his death. Snow's had a plan this whole time to quadruple cross Ray Ban Skinny Tie and she shoots him in the head. Now what are Boone's Angels and Bosley supposed to do? Boone tells White Bread to press this button and then the helicopter explodes. Well that explains Snow's very short music career. But they have no way of finding Jillian's daughter now. Meh, she seems to get over tragedy quickly, so I'm sure she's already moved on with another daughter.

Boone's Angels sans Bosley arrive in LA to awaiting news cameras. White Bread and Gina Gershon reunite with their parents. Too bad Jillian has no one waiting for her. Or does she...turns out her daughter was safe in LA this whole time. Which completely makes the second half of the movie totally unnecessary and White Bread, Gina Gershon, and Boone risked their lives for nothing. Thanks, Jillian.

Second verse same as the first: Jackie is a punk, Judy is a runt

Night of the Demons

Night of the Demons (1988, 90 minutes)

Comcast's description:

One Halloween night, teenagers hold a seance in an abandoned funeral parlor built on a haunted patch of land and unknowingly call forth a host of killer demons. We have a strong feeling this doesn't end well.

I have a feeling this doesn't end well either. It's like Comcast is in my brain! So we open on three teens in a car, driving around, as teens are wont to do. They see an old man walking down the street and teens are also wont to act like assholes, so the 30-year-old high school linebacker (they don't say he's a football player, but by the looks of his fat ass and shitty personality, I can tell he's a linebacker) with a pig nose, which may or may not be his actual nose, in the passenger seat moons the old man. Then another teen jumps out from behind the car and scares this old man with a fake rat and the old man drops his groceries all over the sidewalk. The teens in this town are out of control! Then another teen sneaks up on the old man, but this time it's a helpful teen girl who offers to help pick up his groceries. So he calls her a "dirty little whore." I really identified with this crotchety old man up until that point. As he's picking up his groceries, he curses the children of the town and we see that he has bought both apples and razor blades. I saw Bowling for Columbine, I know there was never any razor blade in an apple. Busted, Night of the Demons. 

We follow the dirty little whore home and it turns out her name is Judy. Judy has a boyfriend named Jay. Are these people Duggars or something? Judy and Jay were supposed to go to the local high school Halloween dance, but Jay says dances are for nerds. He makes a good point. He asks if she knows a girl named Angela, but the only Angela she knows is a weirdo. I bet she's a goth or an artist or something. Well, that's the Angela he's talking about and she's having a halloween party. Judy clutches her pearls in horror, but Jay, like Jerry from Virgin High, doesn't like to take no for an answer - we'll find out more about this later - and he coerces her into going. The party is at Hull House and old lady Jane Addams is said to still roam the house, waiting with the devil baby to possess obnoxious teens. Damn you, Jane Addams! 

Next we see two other teens at a convenience store. The blond teen, let's call her Alicia, is bending over in her short skirt, revealing her underwear to the two clerks, one of whom looks strikingly similar to Luke Wilson, in order to distract them while the second teen, let's call her Liv, shoplifts. It's kind of like that Aerosmith video. Liv steals candy and booze, and maybe some candy-flavored booze like Pucker (which is nasty and I can't believe I used to drink that shit, but, to be fair, I was 18). Before leaving, Alicia asks the clerk, "Do you have sour balls?" to which they respond, "We sure do." She replies, "That's too bad, you must not get many blow jobs." LOL LMAO ROFL!!1@!!1!!! 

We're back in the car with pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, his girlfriend Low Self-Esteem Helen, who most likely was never told that she's Free to Be...You and Me, and his urban friend Roger. Pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker no longer feels like driving, so he makes Low Self-Esteem Helen switch with him and instructs her to "shut up and drive, bitch." Charming. They get a flat tire and pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker has a spare tire, but no tire iron. From here on out he will be known as dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker. 

Luckily, Judy, dressed as Alice in Wonderland, Jay, dressed as his normal douche bag self, and their friends Frannie, dressed as ethnic Peter Pan?, and Max, dressed as a male nurse, drive by. Nurse Max asks if they need a hand and Roger says yes. So those crazy teens, never one to miss out on a punning opportunity, applaud them and then drive off. Dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit line backer is pissed, so naturally he yells at Low-Self Esteem Helen because that's what abusive boyfriends do. Now that I think about it, I may have seen dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit line backer on the first season of Tool Academy, though I may be confusing him with one of the other dumbasses, pieces of shit, and linebackers on that show. 

Judy, Jay, Frannie, and Nurse Max arrive at Hull House first. This doesn't look much like the near west side. They hangout outside the home for a few minutes while Nurse Max explains that the brick wall surrounding the home is built over an underground stream and that evil spirits can't pass over the water. How convenient that he has all this information. They go into the house and make jokes about how it's gross. Why do these kids hate settlement houses so much? Maybe they're anti-immigrant. Another car pulls up and Jay decides that they should scare them. So they turn off their lights and Jay goes to hide in a casket, but Judy's guido ex-boyfriend, Sal, is already in there. Jay hates Sal, not just because he and Judy used to date, but because Jay is a WASP and automatically hates all guidos and micks. Whatevs, Jay, we'll be in the better Heaven. Alicia and Liv, the organizer of the party, also show up, as well as dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, Low Self-Esteem Helen, and Roger, who had to arrive by foot. So it's a ten person party? What it lacks in people, it makes up for in strobe lighting. These kids know how to party.

After Roger recovers from his epileptic seizure, Liv suggests they have a seance. They find a mirror to use in the past life seance, where the mirror's reflection shows you who you were in a past life. Roger is apprehensive, but Frannie retorts, "It's just a mirror. What harm could it do?" Foreshadowing! So Liv starts the seance, but the only person who sees what's in the mirror is Low Self-Esteem Helen, who sees a skeleton demon (Jane Addams?) and then herself, dead. Low Self-Esteem Helen breaks the mirror and freaks out and dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker like raises his hand like he's gonna hit her all because she was freaked out. Why is she dating him?! Oh well, I guess that's why they call her Low Self-Esteem Helen.

Then the demon busts out of the crematorium in the basement, goes up the stairs, and joins the party. So now it's an eleven person party. The demon is just some bizarro-looking skeleton with asthma and, according to the teens, smells like farts. Why does a demon need a skeletal system? Did they even consult a scientician for this movie?

The demon then possesses Alicia, who had her mouth slightly agape because she was applying lipstick.  That's what she gets for being a make-up wearing tart. No one else knows she's possessed though, because, like dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, she has a shitty personality naturally, so there's no real change there. Roger and Low Self-Esteem Helen decide to leave because they're buggin', but it's not so simple. It never is. The gate they entered through has disappeared and it's all brick wall now. And then, like the gate, Low Self-Esteem Helen just disappears. Dr. Phil moment: She should have believed in herself more and then maybe the demon and her boyfriend would have respected her. But probably not. Roger goes to hide in a car.

Back at the eight + demon party, Nurse Max, Frannie, Jay, and Judy go explore around the house and Alicia asks dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker to escort her to the bathroom. Before going off together to possibly bone, Alicia makes out with Liv, so now the demon has possessed Liv. So demon possession is just like mono? Dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker thinks he's getting some. But then she's taking forever in the bathroom and he's getting annoyed because he has anger management issues. So he busts down the door and Alicia has disappeared, for now.

Nurse Max, Frannie, Jay, and Judy are in a room with funeral home shit in it, like metal gurneys and things like that, and Nurse Max starts talking about how the land itself, not just Hull House, is evil and it drove the original settlers, like Hans Springfeld, to murder and cannibalism. Judy recoils, "I've never heard so many disgusting stories in all my life." Then her case of the vapors comes back and Nurse Max gets his smelling salts. After fetching her shall, Judy is feeling better, so Jay hints to Nurse Max that he and Frannie should leave. After they make like a tree and leaf, Jay and Judy start making out on a metal gurney because nothing is hotter than a metal slab that used to move around dead people. Jay wants to go all the way, but Judy is hesitant because this is their first date. Jesus, dude, pressuring a girl into sex on the first date? Maybe Alicia or Liv would go for that because they're kinda slutty, but not our good girl Judy. Jay gets pissed because she had sex with Sal when they dated, but she won't have sex with him. She rightfully tells him that that is none of his business and then pushes him off her onto the floor. He storms off like a big horny baby and she's locked in the room.

Sal is in some room with a fireplace with the now-possessed Liv. And there's nothing a demon loves to do more than dance and suddenly it's like a Billy Idol video in there. Sal realizes she's acting weirdly, even for a goth artist who works on the school's literary magazine, so he bolts, just before dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker enters the room. Liv asks if dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker wants to kiss her, which he does because his girlfriend has low self-esteem and weeps during sex because she hates him, but she hates herself more. And he's a piece of shit, so why not cheat on his girlfriend? Well, here's why not: Liv bites his tongue off. And it's way worse than that time on the Real World London where Neal had his tongue partially bitten off by a guy in the audience of his band's show. But this time, I fully support dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker getting his tongue bitten off. Now when he wants to call his girlfriend a bitch, he'll have to write it on a dry erase board. 

Alicia's back in the bathroom and she's drawn a big heart on her face with her bright pink 99 cent Wet 'n' Wild lipstick. Like Alicia, this demon is really into makeup. Mary Kay was demon all along?! Not content with just drawing on her face, Alicia tears open her dress and draws in lipstick on her boob. The she stops on her nipple and pushes the tube of lipstick fully into her breast, where it's absorbed by the breast tissue? I have absolutely no idea why they would put this in the movie, but it's seriously nasty and my boob hurts just thinking about it. I wish I could un-see that.

So we're about an hour into this movie and no one is fucking dead yet! Until finally, Low Self-Esteem Helen's body falls out of the sky onto the car Roger is hiding in. This is what she saw in the mirror. Roger freaks out a finally gets out of the car to go back to the house.

Jay walks in on Alicia in the bathroom, with her dress unbuttoned and lipstick all on her face and chest. Because Jay is horny and shitty, he doesn't care whether a girl is in her right mind to consent to sex, whether because of drunkenness or demonic possession. At least in Ghostbusters, the gate keeper and the key master were both possessed when they made it and Peter Venkman is a stand up guy who would never take advantage of a possessed girl. He's a Ghostbuster, damn it! But Jay never took the Ghostbuster oath, so he starts fucking Alicia. As they're fucking, Alicia yells at Jay for looking at her and then pokes his eyes out. Though, to be honest, I couldn't watch this scene, because I have this fear of something happening to my eyes and I can't watch that shit. My old roommate Liz was the same way about noses, so she could never watch the scene in Legally Blonde where Paulette accidentally breaks the UPS guy's nose.

Nurse Max and Frannie are doing it in a casket because what else are you going to do when you're trapped in an abandoned funeral home? Also, wasn't there a plot on Homicide where Bayliss is dating the Asian coroner and she sleeps in a casket? So Nurse Max and Frannie, who also happens to be Asian, are kind of the precursor to Bayliss and Asian coroner. But the following never happened on Homicide: as Frannie and Nurse Max are fucking, dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker comes in, sans tongue, and twists Frannie's neck, as she's on top of Nurse Max, and then repeatedly slams the casket on Nurse Max, severing his arm and killing him. So dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker is now a zombie? I think zombism is different from demonic possession. They really should have hired a scientician to consult. Whatever, he was ugly before, but now his outside matches his insides. Sometimes, we get the face we deserve.

Sal and Roger find Judy locked in the room and bust her out. But Alicia, Liv, and dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker find them. Roger goes one way and Sal and Judy go the other. Sal tries to take on Alicia, but she pushes him through a window, which only went to another part of the house. Judy goes to hide in another room, but this is the room where Nurse Max and Frannie were killed, so his severed arm attacks her. Since there is no body attached to the arm and she's used to having push overly aggressive guys like Sal and Jay off her, she easily fights off the arm. 

We join Sal in another part of the house, where he is able to climb up some water pipes and out onto the roof. Judy is also on the roof (?) and Roger is trying to get her down from there. As Sal and Judy are on the roof, Alicia shows up. Sal tries to protect Judy again and Alicia pushes him off the roof and he's impaled by a fence post. Was this movie directed by Sofia Coppala? Judy almost falls off the roof, but she's dangling on the side and trying to make her way over to Roger, who is about ten feet or so below. Because Roger is the urban friend, he's constantly calling Judy "girl." That's how minorities in cities talk, yes? 

Anyway, Judy manages to get down safely, but she and Roger are threatened by dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, so they run to the basement and lock the door. Can a demon really be stopped by a locked door? According to this movie, yes. So Roger and Judy are in the basement and Judy sees the door to the crematorium and thinks it's a door to the outside because she's an idiot. So she opens it and that's when she realizes that she was an idiot for thinking it was a door to the outside. Roger and Judy strategize, with Judy saying that they just have to hold out until dawn, when Halloween night is over, and then the demons will have to go back to hell. I don't know if that's how it works, kiddo. 

But these demons are resilient, so they start unhinging the locked basement door. Roger is helpless, so he just sits there forlornly crying to himself, and Judy finally understands the lyrics to "Sisters Are Doing it for Themselves," so she opens the crematorium door and gets one of the pipes, which for some reason still has natural gas running through it. Luckily she has a lighter from earlier in the evening and manages to make a flamethrower out of this pipe just as Alicia, Liv, and dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker bust in the room. That was pretty bad ass, especially for Judy. Looks like having to read The Feminine Mystique in AP English finally paid off for Judy. And she just thought Betty Friedan was a man-hating lesbian. Go feminism!

Judy and Roger recall what Nurse Max said earlier, that all they have to do is cross the underground stream because bad spirits can't cross the water. But the gate is still gone, so they'll have to climb over the fence. But the only thing to grab onto is some barbed wire and Judy is back to being her annoying whiny self and she caaaaannnnn't do it. Lord, do you want to live or not, Judy? Where's the bad ass flame thrower from the basement? Roger gets on top of the wall and tries to pull Judy up. I assume they're also blood brothers now since both got cut up by the barbed wire. But he ends up falling off onto the other side of the wall and Judy's screaming because all the demon zombies are coming after her. There's Alicia, Liv, dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, Low Self-Esteem Helen, One-Armed Nurse Max, Necks McGee Frannie, Eyeless Jay, Fence Post Sal. You'd think Judy would be the type of girl who would enjoy a fun reunion, but she's still screaming. Roger is back up on top of the wall and he manages to pull Judy up just as the sun is coming up. Since Halloween night is over, Alicia, Liv, dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, Low Self-Esteem Helen, One-Armed Nurse Max, Necks McGee Frannie, Eyeless Jay, and Fence Post Sal have to go to back to hell now. LYLAS, see you next Halloween. KIT. Jane Addams and the devil baby wait patiently for another group of arrogant over-privileged teens to disturb their home. Turn of the last century social workers don't fuck around. 

Judy and Roger walk back home in their tattered costumes and the old man from the beginning of the movie bad mouths them for staying out all night. If he only knew. Old man goes back into his house and his wife has made him breakfast. As he's eating, she tells him that she's been up for hours baking while he slept because he bought so many apples this year. Oh no, the apples! Old man is killed by his own razor blade apples, which slice open his throat. Wouldn't it just cut up your mouth and you wouldn't have the chance to swallow it because you'd be like, "Holy shit, something is cutting up my mouth"? Oh well, live by the razor bladed apple, die by the razor bladed apple.

50 ways to kill your campers

Sleepaway Camp 2

Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers (1988, 80 minutes)

Comcast's description:

Camp Rolling Hills will never be the same. No matter what anyone does, the new camp counselor, Angela Johnson, will have a problem with it.

I remember, my sophomore year of high school, we had a book in my English class with four different novels in it, but we only had to read the second one, Herman Melville's Billy Budd. The story was only 80 pages, so I didn't think it would be so bad, but that was the longest 80 page story I've ever read. That's how I felt about Sleepaway Camp 2. 80 minutes doesn't sound bad, but when you fill those 80 minutes with bullshit piled on top of retardedness wrapped in that disgusting Velveeta cheese that doesn't have to be refrigerated, it feels like about 160 minutes. Hmmm, maybe Sleepaway Camp 2 was written by Herman Melville. Zombie Herman Melville.

I haven't seen Sleepaway Camp 1, so I hope I'm able to keep up. The movie starts with campers and camp counselors sitting around a fire, telling scary stories. I think I'll be able to keep up. One girl, Pheobe, tells the story of another camp, Camp Arrow Way or something like that, only 60 miles away. Unlike this clearly very safe camp, there were murders there, committed by a 14-year-old girl camper, who turned out to be a 14-year-old boy whose aunt had dressed him up as a girl since he was four. The campers speculate as to whether she's still alive and one actually hot and not just in a "for the 80's" way camper says, "She's alive. He went into a psycho ward a couple years ago and while he was there, a doctor gave him a sex change and our parents' taxes paid for it." How timely. I think I'll call him Republican Talking Points. 

Before he can continue talking about how Obama is trying to abort our children with socialism, Counselor No Fun, Angela, comes to yell at Pheobe, because she left her cabin. As Angela is escorting Pheobe through the woods, she yells at her for scaring the other campers and for being a slut. For talking to boys. Pheobe says, "screw you," and goes off by herself. But, as even I know and I've only been in the woods like once in my entire life, going off by yourself in the woods at night is a bad idea and Pheobe gets lost. Luckily (or is it?) Angela finds her, but she proceeds to bash her skull in with a big log and cut out her tongue for telling scary stories. Totally proportionate, if you ask me.

The next morning, we meet our campers. Ally, the topless one, Molly, the shirt wearer, Mary, the 5th member of The Bangles, the Shode(?) sisters, the nameless black girl, and the nameless blond girl. Angela is their counselor and she informs them that she sent Pheobe home last night for doing things with boys that she should not have been doing, such as talking to them and maybe a possible blow job or two. I mean, whateves, it's camp. If you don't end the summer with at least one STD, you've wasted your parents' money. In the boys cabin, there's Republican Talking Points, bemulleted Justin Long, the nameless black guy, and Blond Guy Gold Chain. TC is their counselor; he's also Steve Sanders if Steve had just committed to growing out his curly blond mullet two, maybe three, more inches. 

At breakfast, we find out that the Shode sisters are loadies, whereas Mary and Ally think it's one thing to spark up at parties, but another to be stoned all day. Uncle John, the creepily nicknamed camp owner, names Angela counselor of the week. But she didn't even get a $10 certificate to Pizza Hut or Cinnabon, so who gives a shit? Well, Angela does, because in addition to being really into murder, she's also really into being a camp counselor and she combines her two passions when she murders campers. 

So Republican Talking Points and Molly are lounging by the pool being, I hate to say, kind of cute together in that way when you both like each other, but don't know if the other person feels the same way. Then Republican Talking Points whispers in Molly's ear, "Obama wants to appoint the Children of the Corn as Corn Czars and have them kill all Americans over the age of 40." It turns out that Ally also likes Republican Talking Points, so she takes her bikini top off from under her white t-shirt, then jumps in the pool, and swims over to him and Molly. I think it's her quiet confidence that guys like. But Republican Talking Points isn't into her because, like Ludacris, he wants a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed, so he and Molly make like a banana and split.

So the Shode sisters are out in the woods drinking and smoking marijuana cigarettes and one of them is passed out and the other one is making out with a dude. And then Angela busts them and the guy runs off because apparently he's a big pussy. If Angela thinks Pheobe was a slut for just talking to boys, this must have looked like Interracial Gang Bang 4. And as we already know, Angela don't care for hos and she'll fuck a bitch up, so she sets them both on fire. Before setting the second girl on fire, she adds, "Say no to drugs." Angela and her delicious bon mots. 

That evening, the boys of Steve Sanders' cabin decided to do something wicked: panty raid! Do panty raids even exist in real life? I've only been to Bible camp and that was like when I was seven. Which isn't to say that this couldn't happen to me as a child at Bible camp, I was raised Catholic after all, but, if I recall correctly, it was a Lutheran Bible camp. Anyway, the girls decide to get revenge and, really, there's nothing boys hate more than girls sneaking into their room at night. Diabolical these girls are. So they bust into the boys' room at like 2:00 in the morning to steal their jock straps. But guess who's here to ruin the fun: Angela. But as Angela is walking in, Mary, the 5th Bangle, is flashing the other campers. It's like Asian Street Walkers 7 in there. 

For some reason Angela and Mary are now in a car because they had to drive the 20 feet back to the girls' cabin? Angela implores Mary to just apologize for the flashing because she knows she's really a good girl. Regretfully, Mary says she would die before she apologizes. Here's a lesson for all you teens out there: don't be so melodramatic, because one day someone just may call you on your shit. And so it is, Angela kills Mary with a drill that she just happens to have in her car because she's a fan of This Old House and likes to restore New England cottages.

Later that week, it's camp out time! And the boys have something else wicked planned: dress up as Freddy Kruger and Jason to scare the girls. Horror movie references in a horror movie, how postmodern. Angela finds out about this and uncharacteristically overreacts. Bemulleted Justin Long, dressed as Freddy Krueger, gets slashed on the throat with his own hand knives. Irony! Nameless black guy, dressed as Jason, gets chopped in half with a chainsaw. They died doing what they loved: acting like d-bags.

Meanwhile, Ally, who bailed saying she had cramps, is off in a bathroom boning Blond Guy Gold Chain. Dude, I get sex cramps all the time, too. The sex scene between Ally and Blond Guy Gold Chain, is kind of awkward; it's like they're actual teens or something. But Angela finds out from the still alive girls that Ally allegedly has cramps, so she goes to bust her, but Blonde Guy Gold Chain hides in the stall. Not wanting to get too full on murder before going to sleep, Ally's allowed to live, for now. 

The next day, Ally and Blond Guy Gold Chain finally get to finish boning on a blanket in the woods. When they're done, Ally asks him if he has AIDS. That would have been better to know before the unprotected sex. Ally then just scampers off back into the forest, not wanting to cuddle or anything. Blond Guy Gold Chain thought they loved each other; and that she was being shipped off to Nam the next day. Turns out Molly is scampering through the woods at that very moment as well. Ally tells Molly that she hates her because Ally also likes Republican Talking Points. Molly's totally milquetoast, so she cries about this. Of course she does. Angela comforts her and, for Ally, it's time to die.

Ally finds a note for her in the bathroom, which reads, "Abandoned cabin @ 5:00. Obama wants to bring about the race war and have the streets run red with Aryan blood. -Republican Talking Points" So Ally heads to the abandoned cabin, which is, oddly enough, next to the haunted amusement park, but Republican Talking Points isn't there; Angela is. Dastardly! Angela says that she knew Ally was dumb enough to fall for this. For once, Angela and I are in complete agreement. She stabs Ally in the back a few times, but that isn't enough. She then forces Ally into the outhouse toilet, which is filled with poo and leeches and Ally's leeched to death. The leeches are organized and it's all part of Gaia's revenge; I saw it on an episode of Sightings.

Angela heads back to the cabin. There already is nameless black girl. She's starts talking to Angela about how she called Pheobe's house and her parents said that she was still at camp. And then she called the Shodes' parents and they said the same thing. And then Susanna Hoffs said the same thing about Mary. And nameless black guy's parents and bemulleted Justin Long's parents, et al. The whole time she is talking, Angela locks the door and goes through the room searching for something with which to kill nameless black girl. She settles on a guitar string and strangles her. Oh nameless black girl, we hardly knew ye. Bon mot time: "you talk too much."

And because we're like 50 minutes into the movie, they need to step up the killing. So nameless blond girl shows up as Angela is trying to hide nameless black girl's body, so she has to die too and Angela stabs her. Where was her knife when she was searching for something with which to kill nameless black girl?

Because she has "sent home" all the girls in her dorm except Molly, Uncle John and Steve Sanders decide to cut Angela, unfortunately only figuratively. Because Angela loves camp counseling so much, she's super sad about being fired. At least she'll always have murder. Because Molly is an idiot, she feels bad for Angela and asks Republican Talking Points to come with her to comfort Angela. But Blond Guy Gold Chain, displaying uncharacteristic intelligence, says "Fuck her." I concur.

So Molly and Republican Talking Points find Angela near the abandoned cabin. Molly tries to comfort Angela, but Republican Talking Points decides it's a good idea to look in the abandon cabin. Just like voting republican, this is not a good idea. You'll never guess what's in the abandoned cabin: all the dead bodies. Because this movie is some fucked up morality play, Angela doesn't immediately kill Republican Talking Points and Molly because she considers them good people. So she just ties them up and gags them. 

Back at the camp, Steve Sanders asks Blond Guy Gold Chain where Republican Talking Points is and he finds out he's with Angela, so he too goes to find Angela, which he does. And then he gets a Kelly Temporary Services mug full of car battery acid to the face. Too bad he wasn't wearing goggles. 

And here's where our story gets Shakespearian. Republican Talking Points confronts Angela, "You're not Angela Johnson. You're Angela Baxter, the Angel of Death of Arrow Way." So I guess the message of the story is never trust a tranny? That's why I don't let Alexis Arquette house sit for me; I ain't cleaning up after 10 murders. Angela denies all this, but he says, "I know it's true. My dad was the one who arrested you." Angela then beheads Republican Talking Points. His beautiful head!

Molly manages to untie her hands, she is our heroine after all, and she tries to escape but Angela tackles her. Molly gets ahold of Angela's knife and stabs her in the leg. God, stab her in the chest, dumbass. Because she didn't stab her in the chest, Angela chases after Molly and Molly falls off a cliff...four feet. That's it? Fuck that noise. But she hits her head and now she's dead. Or is she?

Angela decides that at this point, fuck it, she's just gonna kill everyone at camp. They really should have gotten her a Cinnabon certificate. So she kills some nameless counselors, Uncle John, and some nameless campers. We don't find out the fate of Blond Guy Gold Chain. Later, we see Angela in a car with a Paula Dean-esque woman driving. She's a smoker, which means she's immoral, so Angela stabs her. To be fair, she was probably already planning on killing her, but the smoking made it easier.

Hours later, Molly is back from the dead, like Jesus and Nikki Sixx. She runs for help and thankfully (or is it?) she manages to flag down a passing car. And you will never guess who is driving that car.

Save your urgin', stay a virgin

Virgin High

Virgin High (1991, 90 minutes)

Comcast's description:

So his girlfriend gets sent to an all-girls Catholic school - that priest outfit is about to come in handy. If he can con his way past the nuns, he'll be one dude in a super sweet spot.

Ok, so our protagonist in Virgin High, the aforementioned dude, is Jerry. Jerry, in theory, is supposed to be the lovable cad, along the lines of a Ferris Bueller, Zack Morris, or even Parker Lewis. But unlike Parker Lewis, Jerry has already lost at life. You see, within the first three minutes, we spot Jerry in a convertible - of course, what else would a cad drive? - at Makeout Point with a sleeping girl (his girlfriend?) in the passenger's seat. And here's where Jerry loses us in the first minutes of the movie: he starts unbuttoning this sleeping girl's shirt and messing with her bra. Now, in Jerry's defense, they had gone on three whole dates, with him paying and everything, and she hadn't put out at all. Christy, the sleeping girl, knocks him the fuck back, but in the process, loses two buttons off her shirt and her bra is torn. Jerry's both rapey and dumb, not realizing that it's a back closure. But not so dumb that he doesn't pretend his watch is broken, causing Christy to be out three hours past curfew. Jerry, that cad. 

So Christy tries sneaking in, but her parents are awake and they. are. pissed! Christy explains that Jerry's watch was broken, but they don't want to hear it; they're sick of that trouble-making cad. Like all creepy parents (Joe Simpson, those dads at those Purity Balls), Christy's parents are super concerned about her virginity, which is only exacerbated by Christy trying to explain that she and Jerry weren't doing anything and her shirt, sans two buttons, and torn bra break open, exposing her breasts to her parents. Man, if I had a dollar for every time that's happened to me. 

So that's when Christy's parents decide to send her to the all-girls Catholic boarding school Academy of the Blessed Virgin. And the Virgin High opening credits roll, informing us that the "Rockin' tunes" are performed by The Checks. I knew they would rock hard because they purposefully dropped the g from rocking. Only squares pronounce g's, but for that matter I thought only squares would punctuate correctly the end of rockin' to reflect the missing letter, so now I don't know what to think. 

So the next day at school, Jerry is regaling his friends Theo and Zoomer - who, with names like those, I can only assume are also total cads - with the rapey mishigas from the night before. He actually says, with regards to trying to feel up a sleeping girl, "I did what any real man would do." Touche, Jerry; I can't argue with that. In all seriousness, though, it makes me happy knowing that there's no way in fuck that this movie would be made today because America wouldn't root for a rapist. I'm not entirely sure that they would have in 1991, either, but a lot of progress has been made in the last 15 or 20 years regarding rape and sexual assault. It's not great, but it is better.

Anyway, how does Jerry find out that his beloved was shipped off to boarding school? He calls her, while a parrot chills on his shoulder, only to hear the answering machine message from Christy's father inform him, "Christy isn't here. We sent her to boarding school, away from the influence of losers like you, [Jerry] Kaminski! Anyway, Christy isn't here, so don't call anymore. Get it? Got it? Good." That was way harsh Tai. After an inspiring sex ed class with slutty-looking substitute Miss Bush - this best encapsulates the complex nuances of Virgin High - Jerry decided to track down his beloved so that maybe she will finally put out.

But this may be harder than he plans. First, there's Kathleen, your cunty RA from sophomore year. Kathleen is a heinous bitch with heinous hair who is clearly a 30-year-old posing as a high school senior, like Andrea Zuckerman, but more willing to show her boobs. Kathleen forces the other girls to give her money because she might lie to the nuns about the girls if they don't? I don't remember, the whole thing was really retarded. Anyway, Kathleen is fucking the school's kind of foxy if he keeps his shirt on because his chest is really hairy but not in a good way security guard Derek. Because when you have hundreds of teenaged girls at an all-girls boarding school, what you want is a vaguely attractive 25-year-old guy around. Yeah, that's gonna end well. Despite his student-fucking, Derek takes his job very seriously. So while Jerry-the-cad's charms may work on the ladies, both asleep and awake, they don't work on Derek when Jerry shows up and tries to scam his way into the school. 

But Jerry, as you may have already surmised, isn't they type to take no for an answer. So he comes up with a foolproof plan: dress up as a priest. Except it's not even a priest outfit; it's black pleated pants, a black button-down shirt, and a white collar. You'd think that if I could spot this after not having been to mass in like nine years, that nuns would be able to notice this. But thank God they didn't because then this movie wouldn't be half as good. So the principal nun asks for his name and he says, "Father GooseGuus, it's Dutch." I hate to admit it, but that made me chuckle slightly. I like pronunciation jokes. Anyway, it turns out that the nun who teaches theology has just taken a vow of silence (nuns, amiright?), but Father Guus should be able to fill in. But what does an amoral prick like Jerry know about anything? Well, nothing, but he's able to bullshit his way through the class, all while his beloved Christy sits in the front row. After class, Father Guus asks Christy to stay and she is none too pleased with his latest antics. While leching on Christy, principal nun walks in and Father Guus says that he is punishing her for acting out in class and asks for another moment alone. After the nun leaves, Christy gets pissed that he got her in trouble again and punches him in the jaw, which is the exact moment that principal nun walks back in. Christy is of course immediately punished for punching a priest, not allowed out at all except to class and mass for the remainder of the year. But instead of just telling principal nun what's really going on, she just goes along with it. What the fuck is that? Does Christy still like Jerry? Jesus Christ. Then, just when you think things couldn't get any wackier, Father Guus has to handle confession. And these girls don't just have regular confessions, they have sexy confessions. 

Anyway, principal nun finds out that the Bishop did not send Father Guus to the school and the jig is up, but not before Jerry goes through the files to find out which room Christy's in. I wonder where this is going. Later that night, Christy is playing Monopoly with her two roommates. Wait a minute, Christy has two roommates, Jerry has two friends. I like where this is going. So Jerry, Zoomer (I assume he went back to high school after Simply Red broke up), and Theo sneak into her room through the bathroom window. Luckily, they didn't come in at the same time as your cunty RA from sophomore year Kathleen, who just walked in without knocking to yell at the girls about something dumb. If they hate Kathleen so much, why don't they just lock their door so she can't barge in? Whatever. Jerry, Theo, and Simply Red don't stay too long, but long enough to find out about the car wash the girls are holding to raise money for their year-end formal. 

I don't know if this event was planned as a bikini car wash or if it was just a regular car wash and all the girls just happened to wear bikinis, but either way, the perverted, horny middle-aged man market shouldn't be overlooked when you have a formal to pay for. Speaking of perverted and horny, here comes Jerry, Theo, and Simply Red. They're the last car of the day, so the girls have plenty of time to joke around with the three of them and you will never guess what happens: a water fight breaks out. I was hoping that Christy would flood the inside of Jerry's convertible, but she's not smart enough to think of that. Kathleen hates laughing, so she's pissed. And Jerry hates when a girl gets too uppity, so to take her down a notch, he splashes her with a bucket of water. But Kathleen blames Christy for this and vows revenge. Christy gets mad at Jerry for getting her in trouble again, so she bitches him out.

A few days later, Christy is talking to her roommates, saying that she thinks she was too hard on Jerry. Seriously, you have to be kidding me with this shit. Get some fucking dignity, Christy. Before she can feel bad for too long, her dad calls to tell her that he and her mother will be attending the formal to present a donation check to the school and they're bringing a date for her: Leonard Klapner. Leonard Klapner sounds like a total geekburger. Christy protests, but dad isn't having it. He's heir to a fertilizer fortune!

So it's the evening of the big dance. Ok, first of all, this formal is being held in like that party house that was about a ten minute walk from your dorm, right down to the yellow-ish 70's low to the ground couch in the corner. Secondly, there are like plastic light up Jesuses (Jesi?); is this what people think Catholic school dances are like? Because I'm fairly certain a light up Jesus would be considered blasphemous. Anyway, cunty Kathleen and the security guard have a plan to take Christy down tonight. First, they switch out a picture of the Virgin Mary that Christy is to present to principal nun with a sign that says "The blessed virgin eats it." Eats what? Then they add a whipped cream bomb to the back of the sign to go off as she is presenting. Sounds sexy. Then the security guard spikes the punch. I don't think this is part of the plan though; I think he just likes drunk underage girls, like Joe Francis.

Jerry finds out about this plan - I'm not quite sure how, maybe he's omniscient - so days earlier he climbed up to the window of Kathleen's room to photograph her and the security guard fucking. Somehow the pictures turned out even though he used a flash through the window and somehow they didn't notice him even though he used a flash, but whatever. So he blows up that picture and replaces the "Eat it" sign with the photograph. But he doesn't notice the whipped cream bomb or maybe he does but doesn't remove it because he thinks it will lead to sexy results; I don't know how Jerry's mind works.

Christy's two roommates are going to the dance with Jerry's two friends; that worked out well. And Christy arrives with Leonard. Turns out Leonard isn't a geek, but is a total guido. And like most guidos, Leonard can't keep his hands to himself, groping her all around the dance floor. Ok, yeah, this part of Catholic school dances they got right. Principal nun and the bishop are sampling the punch and unknowingly getting wasted with Christy's parents. How can these people not taste the alcohol? When you're born Catholic, you're born part alcoholic. Maybe they converted or something. Anyway, they're getting wasted, Christy is getting felt up by Leonard, and Jerry is posing as the photographer. Apparently by taking off the priest outfit and adding a pair of fake glasses, he is completely unrecognizable. 

So the time has come for Christy's dad to present a check for $300,000 to principal nun. He's on some charitable board or something, I don't know; the screenwriter didn't spend a lot of time on these characters' back-stories. After the check presentation, it's time for Christy to present what she thinks is a picture of the Virgin Mary. Christy pulls off the covering to reveal the photograph of Kathleen doing the security guard. So many monocles broken! 

And this is the most fucked up part of a fucked up movie. As Kathleen runs off and principal nun tells someone to go after her, the security guard, who is also in the photo and who is more culpable in my opinion because he is the adult, agrees to go after her and pulls out a gun. And like no one thinks anything of this. Then we stay at the dance, but hear two gun shots and, again, like no one thinks anything of this. Did the security guard shoot Kathleen? Was it a murder-suicide? We don't know! But apparently we're not supposed to care because Kathleen's a big asshole who got what she deserved or something? Whatever; whoever wrote this movie clearly has issues with women.

Back at the dance where nobody cares if your cunty RA from sophomore year Kathleen is dead, Christy's parents are shocked by the photo and her dad takes away the check, saying that whatever charitable organization he works for cannot be associated with such a scandal. And at that very moment, the whipped cream bomb goes off and blows Christy's parents clothes off, except for a t-shirt reading "Sex freak" on dad and some black lingerie and garters on mom. You see, Christy's parents are into kinky sex and I'm guessing they have been for a while, which is probably why they were so concerned with their daughter's sex life. So being that they've had their kink exposed to everyone there, they agree to give back the check. And ultimately, isn't that what Jesus would have wanted?

So later on (we don't know how far later on), Jerry is talking with Theo and Simply Red and we find out that Christy has been sent to a Catholic school in Greenland. Which is odd, because Christy is a senior and I thought it was an end of the year dance, but I shouldn't question these things. Anyway, Jerry informs us that he will not be busting out his priest outfit this time, rather he's going to dress up as a gynecologist. Oh Jerry, don't ever change!