The Party Animal (1984, 78 minutes)
Comcast's description:
A farm boy arrives at college determined to lose his virginity, but has no luck with women...until he discovers Love Potion 69 which makes him irresistible to women and changes him into The Party Animal.
We open with a Buzzcocks song? How did they get wrapped up with this shitty movie? Our movie's eponymous Party Animal, Pondo Sinatra, arrives to college via turnip truck. Har har! Pondo meets his roommate Studly, A.C. Slater's eighth dork from Bayside's rap version of Snow White. Pondo is wearing a shirt with a confederate flag on it and he has decorated his half of the dorm room with confederate flags and a giant teddy bear with a confederate flag on it. So this guy's primary goal in college is to have sex, so he decides to put a giant teddy bear with a confederate flag on it on his bed? Cosmo would advise against that. Remember that Real World: Los Angeles when David is wearing a Malcolm X shirt because it is 1992 and Jon from Kentucky was like, "Would you mind if I hang up a confederate flag?" And David gets pissed and later in the episode he goes after Jon, but Republican Aaron stops him. I wish David were here to kick Pondo's ass. Perhaps because he is balding and always wearing racist shirts, Pondo just can't get laid. Maybe he should join the Pit. Pondo's on a date with a college coed, but for some reason she's just not responding to his mauling, especially when he tries to pry her legs apart. Apparently everything Pondo learned about sex he learned from Roman Polanski. (Topical!)
The next student he tries to woo is a Russian theater major wearing an outfit frighteningly similar to Nicolas' horrifying outfit from episode three of this season's Project Runway. A.C. Slater decides to be Pondo's Cyrano de Bergerac and even though he is only like five feet away from them and isn't hiding behind anything or keeping his voice down in any way, the Russian girl does not notice him. That obliviousness is why they lost the cold war. But just as the Russian is ready to give it up, Pondo's ear piece breaks and he doesn't know what to tell her to seal the deal. So he improvises, "Roses are red. Violets are blue. You've got big tits I want to suck on too." Pondo's a lit major.
Then there's a montage of girls in swimsuits just cuz? L'art pour l'art, I guess. It's like these skanks are purposefully trying to tempt Pondo only to withhold sex from him. And that's enough to cause him to put a gun in his mouth. Unfortunately he doesn't pull the trigger; A.C. Slater talks him out of it. As he's taking the gun out of his mouth, Pondo accidentally shoots one of the sluts on Slater's bed, but Slater tells him that it's alright. The fuck? Just a slut, no worries. Slater tells Pondo to go see a sage old black man, a poor man's Morgan Freeman, if you will, who teaches him the phrase, "Houndog's gonna eat that pussy." I'm swooning already.
Pondo decides to try out his new-found confidence at a black club. It should be noted that the people at this club are wearing dashikis and kente cloth and I think I even see a person with a bone through his nose. This is the movie that hates both Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama. Ohhhh, so this movie voted for Ron Paul. Wisely, Pondo is not wearing a confederate flag shirt, but is instead dressed as a circa-1970's pimp. As he enters the club, which is really just that house a few blocks over that was built in 1972 and was considered "cutting-edge" at the time, he says to the bouncer "What's going on, nigger?" Oh sweet Jesus, this movie can officially fuck off. And then after dropping the n-bomb, he goes to sexually harass one of the girls at the club. Even though he clearly hates black people, he's willing to let a black girl fuck him; now that's post-racial. But the club-goers don't take too kindly to Pondo and they stab him in the forehead with a pick. Get it? They're black!
Unfortunately the pick in the forehead does not kill him; it's only made him stronger and hornier, so he's off to go spy on some girls who are working out in lingerie. That's what we girls do. So he takes a page from popular early-80's program Bosom Buddies and dresses up as a lady to infiltrate their lingerie work out circle. Then he suggests strip poker. I've known my best friend for 13 years and my roommate for 7 years and never once have any of us suggested strip poker when we're just hanging out. Are we weirdos? Additionally, playing strip poker when you're already 3/4 naked is a stupid idea, so soon enough we've got lots of boobies. And one boner. Pondo!
Slater advises Pondo to go to a store name Willinger's to get some dope threads because it's 1984 and ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man is still a popular song. But he accidentally goes to the punk shop below Willinger's named Dillinger's instead. I wonder if the Dillinger Four and the Dillinger Escape Plan shop here. As Slater advised, he asked for "the works," and they make him look like a mohawked Quasimodo. I don't think that that was ever an actual look. And as I've always suspected, small Southern towns still work a lot like European villages from the 1500's, so the townspeople chase Pondo with pitchforks and torches. I would fully support this if they were chasing him because he's a sexual predator, with Chris Hansen leading the way, of course, but they're only chasing him because he looks weird, so I don't know if I can really support that. Fuck it, yes I can; Pondo's an asswipe who should be strung up in the town square, regardless of the motivations.
Slater decides to take Pondo to a whorehouse. The whorehouse has a big sign on it the that says "Whorehouse." How discrete. But none of the hookers want to fuck him because he's still a bemohawked hunchback. Wow, I thought hookers will fuck anyone. But no kissing on the lips.
Suddenly Pondo is back to looking normal again, normal for him. He goes to a sex shop and this whole scene is in black and white. How art house. Pondo doesn't know what a double-ended dildo is. Odd, because he is a double-ended dildo. Hey-o! He asks for the biggest vibrator they have. Next we see him about to sex up a girl in a dorm room and he's about to see a return on his vibrator investment. If he's so hard up, why is he gonna use a vibrator on this chick instead of his own dick? Whatever. So this vibrator turns out to be the size of a missile and he ends up blowing all the circuits in the dorm; I think he also ended up blowing his bone. Because of his latest antics, he gets sent to the dean's office because college deans deal with dormitory issues, that's why they make the big bucks. The dean just happens to be a sexy lady, how lucky for Pondo.
While in class, Pondo learns what an aphrodisiac is. Apparently roofies weren't around in 1984. He makes it his life's mission to create an aphrodisiac and go for the Nobel Prize in horny asshattery. He sets up a lab in the rec room on his dorm floor. I suppose that's a nice change from dorm meth labs. Pondo is in his car with a girl and he sprays his first batch of aphrodisiac from like an Aquanet bottle. It makes all her hair fall out. Ironic for an Aquanet bottle. Then he tries out his second batch on another girl and it turns her into a gorilla. Then he decides to put his aphrodisiac in pill form. But his dorm floor nemesis, some uppity bitch who doesn't know her place, switches his pills for some farting pills. Are those a thing? Pondo picks up his date at the house a few blocks over that was built in 1972 and was considered "cutting-edge" at the time. I thought that place was a black club? As she opens the door, he shoves a bunch of those pills down her throat. And she still goes out with him! I know it was the early 80's and all, but would any woman really put up with a drugging? Christ. So they're in the car and the farting pills kick in. Oh no!
The sexy dean calls in Pondo for all of his hijinks with the aphrodisiacs and their side effects. We see the bald girl, the farty girl, an alien of some sort, and the gorilla girl wearing a red beret. And let's be real, a gorilla in a beret is never not funny, so I kind of laughed at that. Pondo's expelled.
Pondo is packing up his sexy time lab and he starts pouring all his chemicals in a plastic bucket. As he's cleaning up, his lady nemesis comes in and gives him shit, as any self-respecting woman should. But then something strange happens when all the chemicals combine. And they have an odd effect on lady nemesis. Soon enough she is mauling him. Awwww, Pondo was finally deflowered. Realizing that no girl would actually fuck him of her own accord, he stops the sage old black man from dumping the chemicals down the sink. And finally his work is ready to be submitted to the Nobel committee for consideration.
Pondo boasts to Slater about his discovery even though no one told me there was going to be boasting, so Slater takes him to sorority house I Phelta Thi. Hey! That sounds a lot like "I felt a thigh." I wonder if that's on purpose. Because of this crazy aphrodisiac, all the girls at the house want to fuck him and he goes one-by-one down the hall as the Buzzcocks play. Seriously, this movie has kind of ruined the Buzzcocks for me. (One time I was in Rockford for my friend's graduation party and I ended up getting lost in Rockford at like 1:00 in the morning and it took me like an hour and a half to find my way back to the road I needed to get to DeKalb and the whole time I was listening to the Buzzcocks' Singles Going Steady. After that I wasn't able to listen to that CD for like six months because it reminded me of being lost in the middle of the night and I would start to panic a little.) He's down to the last girl of the house and oh no! She's fat. Gross! And even though he doesn't want to fuck her, she just doesn't care. Sounds familiar.
Pondo figures out that if he goes to see the sexy dean, she will want to do him and then he won't get expelled. So he goes to see her, but first her gay secretary who is a composite of every terrible 1980's gay stereotype wants a piece of him. Dude sex, gross! Luckily Pondo is able to escape into the dean's office with his heterosexuality firmly in tact. But sexy dean isn't there anymore. Fat black lady dean is. Now Pondo was willing to fuck that other black chick because she was thin and conventionally attractive, but this is just too much.
As he's walking back to his dorm room, a bunch of girls chase Pondo and he realizes he's in over his head. He goes, incognito, to a laundromat to get all the chemicals out of his clothes. As he's sitting there, hiding behind a newspaper, five fat ladies come in to do their laundry. It is true that we travel in packs. Pondo's desperately hoping that they don't realize he's there. But it's too late. All five fatties sexually attack him. And then we find out that Pondo died. Did the fatties crush him to death? Did he choke on his own vomit at the thought of fucking these fat chicks? We may never now, but what we can be certain of is that it is ridiculously offensive. Live by the aphrodisiac, die by the aphrodisiac.
Recent Comments